Category Archives: Articles

Guy Fawkes: O What a Night!

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Why would children do this? There’s no simple answer. Nevertheless, most children today have no chance to ‘play’ with fire other than with devastating results.

But Remember, Remember the 5th of November? Once we had Cracker Night. It was banned over 40 years ago in Australia. Yet the singed hair and  burnt fingertips cured the dancing-flame-fascinations of many a young pyromaniac. 

My article on Cracker Night ends:

Kerry Cue Ratbag RelationsEvery time we try to make our children’s’ lives safer, we seem to create a duller world for them. Nothing, I believe, lights up young faces like the dancing sparks of fireworks. They put magic in the air. Children will never get the same glow from a TV screen, but they are safe, I guess.

Full article from Herald Sun and other publications:Guy Fawkes O What a Night

How Digital Devices Came to Rule the World

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Let me step you through the

Brief History of How Digital Devices Came to Rule the World.

1992

…….is the year The Wiggles released their second CD. The same year the first text message was sent. Humans revert to baby talk. Soz i wz l8. No wuz. c u @ 4. Humans stop laughing and start typing lol.

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1997…. is the year the first Harry Potter book is published. That year Google begins. Humans stop asking each other questions and start Googling the answers. Human memory banks begin a rapid decline.

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2001….is the year terrorists attacked the World Trade Centre in New York. The same year Wikipedia begins. Once Bob Dylan sang ‘The answer my friend is blowing in the wind.’ Now the answer, my friend, is now on Wikipedia.  All human knowledge is stored there. Humans are no longer the guardians of human knowledge.

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2004….is the year Janet Jackson has a serious costume malfunction during the US Super Bowl. It seems ridiculous defining a year by Janet Jackson’s nipple, but that was the year Facebook begins. Janet Jackson’s nipple set the tone for Facebook gossip. Humans become obsessed with the trivia of celebrities and their own lives.

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2005…. is the year hurricane Katrina hits New Orleans with tragic loss of life. That same year You Tube begins thus missing a perfect flood of horrific on-the-spot videos. Humans now spend significant amounts of time watching other humans being dumb.

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2006…. is the year the Bird Flu scare hits world headlines. Deaths follow. Appropriately, Twitter begins the same year. Humans start bitching, whining and abusing each other in 140 characters, a number that exceeds our collective IQ.

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2007…. is the year the final Harry Potter book is published. That same year the first iPhone hits the market. From now on a bell will ring every 10 seconds in Silicon Valley and a new smaller, faster, cooler and more devious  device will be invented making your current phone look like a giant Lego brick.

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2008…. is the year Obama is elected to office. That same year the first App store opens. Apps now help you to lose weight, get pregnant, cook, navigate, accessorise, make all life decisions. Humanity will soon be controlled by Apps.

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2010…. is the year Julia Gillard becomes the Prime Minister. That year the first iPad hits the shops. Smart phones and tablet computers are now the portals to life. Humans cannot live without them.

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2013is the year Julia Gillard is sacked as Prime Minister. Do we care? Not really. A few grumbled. But let me put it this way. If they tried to take our iPhones away from us there’d be rioting in the street.

Is nothing sacred?

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Screen Grab from the Bureau of Meteorology

Screen Grab from the Bureau of Meteorology

Though April showers

May come your way,

They bring the flowers

That bloom in May;

And if it’s raining,

Have no regrets;

Because, it isn’t raining rain, you know,

It’s raining Violet … Crumbles.

And when you see clouds

Upon the hill,

You soon will see crowds

Of Ryobi drills;

So keep on looking for that bluebird,

That tweets the Twitter song,

Whenever April showers come along.

With apologies to Al Jolson.

Today’s column must start with the oft-repeated cri de coeur ”is nothing sacred?”

The Canberra Times, 1 May 2013. Read more: Is nothing sacred?

Want Me? I’m Everywhere. I’m Sex.

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Who vamps and struts?

Who clasps her breasts?

Want me?

I’m everywhere. I’m sex.

 …………………………………………………………….

Who sighs and writhes,

and tongues her lips,

from laptop screen to multiplex?

Want me?

I’m everywhere. I’m sex.

………………………………………………………………………………..

Beach Woman SilhouetteWe live in a culture wallpapered with sexual imagery. Images of sex are more wide spread than the panting and writhing pink pixels on a digital screen. Sexualised images appear on billboards, t-shirts, in magazines, on makeup counters, on backpacks, on baseball caps and even on the mudflaps of trucks. I’m not suggesting that all of this imagery is offensive, but simply that it is there. Sex is, in our culture, everywhere.

The Canberra Times 17 Apr 2013

Read more: Want Me?

Will We Ever Find a Cure for Stupidity?

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brain scanScience news dominated the media last week or managed, at least, an attention-seeking feline snarl in a Schrodinger’s Cat Scenario, which is, to anyone other than a smart arse of scientific bent, simply a paradox. President Obama announced major funding for neuroscientists to map the human brain. At the same time New Scientist ran a comprehensive article, which should have been titled ‘Why are we so stupid?’ but was tagged ‘Stupid is as Stupid does’. Suddenly, I got excited. Wouldn’t it be mind-blowing if those neuro-geeks could locate ‘stupid’ in the human brain!

The Canberra Times 10 Apr 2013. Read more here: Will We Ever Find a Cure for Stupidity_?

What Next for the Whatever Generations?

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Illustration: Caroline Adaszynski

Illustration: Caroline Adaszynski

Today we’re going to have a little lesson in ethics. The problem with ethical choices today is that there are so many shades of grey we get lost in the fog. This is especially true of the generations dubbed Gen-X and Gen-Y. These generations were born into an era when our culture was diversifying – hallelujah! Pass the spicy chicken laska – to include gay, lesbian, feminist, indigenous, ethnic, religious, disabled and other rights and when conservative community values were poleaxed by political activism, the sex, drugs and rock’n’roll culture, mass media and mass marketing. Any adult under, say, 50 years of age, whether they like it or not, belongs to Gen-X or Gen-Y. I prefer to call them the Whatever Generations because, faced with a simple ”Do you want Maccas or pizza?” or even complex ethical choices, they shrug their shoulders and say, ”whatever”!

Read more @ The Canberra Times 27 MAR 2013: What Next for the Whatever Generations?

A party for the ages

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Picture 2Vote for SALPP, the Solve All Life’s Problems Party. Do you get distressed when you can’t remember which pin number belongs with which credit card? Do you get frustrated when you find yourself hovering in front of your kitchen bins unsure if the item you’re holding should go in the recycle or rubbish bin? Do you get really angry when your Wi-Fi drops out because you own a dodgy router? If you answered ”yes!” to any of these questions, then I have the political party for you.

Yes, indeedy. And if you get really irritated by people who mangle the English language by bastardising proper words to chortle ”indeedy” or sprout idiotic acronyms like ”LOL” then we can solve that problem for you, too. Yes! The SALP Party is a new force on the political scene. Just when you were too afraid to go back into the polling booth in case you screamed with rage at the mere sight of the major party candidates’ names or slumped into an instant boredom-induced coma and ended up in a chaotic tangle of polling booth cardboard, a new party has emerged to give you hope, faith and free stuff. Yes! We at the Solve All Life’s Problems Party, or SALPP, have policies designed just for you. Our motto is: SALPP is on the Way.

Read more @ The Canberra Times 20 Mar 2013: A party for the ages

Vote 1: Kerry for Pope

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cardinals

The College of Cardinals

Apostolic Palace

Vatican City State  00120

…………………………………………

Dear Your Graces,

I believe a vacancy is about to arise in your esteemed organisation and I forthwith put myself forward for consideration for the position of Pope for the 21st Century.

My credentials for the position are extensive. I have read The Da Vinci Code. So I’m fully aware of the lunatic nature of albino monk assassins and the dangers of carrying anti-matter in the papal helicopter (or was that Demons and Angels) and I’ve seen all the Godfather films, which, as you know, involve influential catholics.

The Canberra Times 20 Feb 2013. Read more here: Vote 1 Kerry for Pope

10 reasons why, if you are sick, you should visit your Vet and not your local hospital

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hospitalTwo members of the Cue household have just been through the medi-go-round. One came out dazed and bleeding, the other chirpy and bouncing. The tale begins with our little dog, Tuppence. She is 12 years old, which is 84ish in dog years. She has been hospitalised with pancreatitis, bladder stones and a cruciate ligament replacement. Now she has congestive heart disease and is on heart meds, but bouncing.

My beloved HRH (His Royal Hairiness) is pushing 10 dog years. He’s had two angioplasties, by-pass surgery and a stent. He’s suffered dizzy bouts or Transient Ischemic Attacks, which means ‘something’s wrong with your head, mate, but buggered if we know what it is’. They stopped. Last week he had a ‘little’ prostate op in a private hospital, supposedly, an overnighter. Something went horribly wrong. At 3am he started having fits. The fits became so violent he was likely to badly damage himself.

The private hospital didn’t have a doctor on duty at night.

The Canberra Times 30 Jan 2013. Read more here. Vet vs Hospital

When Life’s No Picinic

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Illustration: Jenny Bowman

Illustration: Jenny Bowman

Idyllic summer days and leisurely family picnics go hand in glove like, um, hands in gloves.
When I was a youngster in the ’60s, however, a picnic with my family was more akin to throwing down the gauntlet to the fates.

Our father stood by the pink, open driver’s seat door of our old maroon FE Holden, snapping orders as we elbowed our way onto the clammy vinyl of the back seat. ”You sit there and look out that window. You sit there and don’t you touch him. Tuck your elbows in. I don’t want any carry-on during this trip or I’ll wring your bloody necks.” There we sat in our cotton shorts, T-shirts and plastic sandals, me, my three brothers and one other kid, with our bare legs clinging to the vinyl seat, waiting for our mother to turn up with the baby so the adventure could begin.

But our mother was always distracted by some last-minute fussing, as our father stood drumming his fingers on the roof of the Holden, calling out ”Kath, hurry up. We’ve got to get going.” When our mother finally arrived with food in a basket – there were sandwiches and fruit in the tartan metal Esky in the boot – our father planted his foot on the accelerator as she struggled to close the door. We were off on our adventure.

Read more @ The Canberra Times 8 Jan 2012: When Life’s No Picinic