The Rolling Stones Live. Just.

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Live. Just. It’s an old joke. But The Rolling Stones – average age 81 years – have released a new album, Foreign Tongues. Full credit to Mick Jagger. His song Strange Game for the TV show SLOW HORSES was awesome.

The problem, however, for 80+ millionaire rock stars is that the song lyrics written during their youthful,  anti-establishment years lose their punch.

These lyrics are from an article I wrote for The Herald Sun and The Advertiser (SA) 20 years ago titled: It’s a long way to the Mosh Pit When Ya Gettin’ Old. 

I thought Mick Jagger was old at 60!!!!!! Full article here.

Why We Honour the ANZACS

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A friend once commented to me that being a soldier is just a job. Moreover, they know the risks involved when they enlist, so why do we make such a fuss on ANZAC DAY?

Being an accountant is a job, a perfectly reasonable job, but accountants do not risk their lives, they do not get shot at for simply turning up for work. Being a member of the Armed Services is NOT JUST A JOB. And here is the reason why:

A TRIBUTE FOR ANZAC DAY

Kerry Cue

Herald Sun, 23rd April, 2002.

I am an Australian soldier. I fought in the First World War. We called this war the Great War. We couldn’t believe there’d be another. Britain was at war. So we were too. That’s how it was, then, in Australia.

Thousands of us lads put down farm and other tools and joined up for the adventure, for a lark. But it was no lark. Gallipoli was our baptism into the bloodletting insanity of this war. We lost mates. Those lads of just 19 and 20 were buried where they fell on the sands of Damascus and in the fields of Villers-Bretonneux. But the insanity persisted. We lived misery in the trenches. When the insane call came to go over the top into No-man’s land, we went.

But don’t call me a hero. I am just an ordinary lad. I put on a uniform. I went to war. And I stuck by my mates. That’s all I did. I stuck by my mates.

Later, on the first ANZAC Day 4,000 of us marched through the Domain in Sydney. But the crowd did not treat us like conquering heroes. There were no cheers, just a few handclaps. They stood in silent awe of the spirit of the ANZACS.

Screen shot 2016-04-18 at 12.02.17 PMI am an Australian soldier. I fought in the Second World War. I went to the Middle East. At Damascus and El Alamein, we fought in the merciless glare of the desert sun. We were cut off at Tobruk, undermanned and undersupplied, we dug in and held on. The Germans called us the ‘Rats of Tobruk’.

Then Japan attacked Pearl Harbour. And suddenly, the war front was heading for Australia. Singapore fell. We became prisoners of war and saw some of our mates, young boys, tortured, beaten, starved and beheaded. We survived. Just.

But the fight for Australia had begun. Weary and diseased, we fought the Japs step by slippery step back along the treacherous paths of the Kokoda Trail in New Guinea. And we stopped them getting to Port Morseby. We stopped them getting a foothold in New Guinea and clear access to Australia. Then, as the tides of war turned, we fought them inch by bloody inch back through the Pacific island jungles to Japan.

But don’t call us heroes, we’re just ordinary blokes who put on a uniform. We fought, and some of us died for Australia.

I am an Australian soldier. I fought in Vietnam. A conscript, I was plucked off the street at 18, put in a uniform and sent to the jungle to fight a cause that I didn’t understand in a war that had no front. This war was not like others. We couldn’t see the enemy. Mates died at Long Tan for what? Back home I was spat on in the street. I was angry and frustrated. But I understand now.

I may not always respect what the government does, but I respect their right to do it. That’s democracy. In 1966, Australians voted overwhelmingly in favour of the war. It was all the way with LBJ.

Then Australians changed. We saw the war on TV each night. We saw the butchery in black and white. People began to protest in great numbers against the war. Eventually, the government bowed to the will of the people and brought us home. But it was the people who sent us in the first place. Even in Vietnam, we represented the people of Australia. At home, we represented their guilt.

I am an Australian soldier. I have represented Australia in peacekeeping forces in Zimbabwe, Cambodia, Somalia, Iraq, Rwanda, Bougainville and East Timor. I have fought in Afghanistan. I’ve seen countries where governments are changed by machete or Kalashnikov. And it makes me thankful to be Australian. We can change the government without the loss of blood. For all its flaws, our democracy works.

I am an Australian soldier. It is the people of Australia I represent. Always. It is the people I serve.

Photo Source: Road to the Great War Blog

Goodbye, Uncle Sam

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I’ve updated an article I wrote for The Canberra Times in 2012.  The argument was that we had to embrace Asia. Back then, I said we’d have to forego ‘Donald Trump’ too. OMG! What did I see in my CRYSTAL BALL? Now, America no longer loves us. So we have to say:

Goodbye, Uncle Sam!

We, Aussies, must address a fundamental truth in 2026. It can be our joint New Year’s resolution. It will be hard. It will take discipline and courage, but it is time to give up America. Say ‘Goodbye to Uncle Sam.’
……………………
We’ll have to turn off the Idiot Box – Most of the idiots we’ve been watching have been American – and say Farewell to:
……………………
That channel streaming Two and a Half Idiots, I mean, Men 24/7.
The West Wing. The East Wing’s gone.
Porky Pig
The Kardashians
All NCIS franchises
The Fat Cops in Cars reality TV shows
And those really old actors pretending to be, like, cool teenagers in High School TV dramas
The Abisizer Exerciser
Every crazy kitchen gadget on the Ad Channel that saves time, except for the 3 weeks needed to clean it.
And, Hawaiian Barbecue Chicken Pizza
……………………………………..
We have to say Tat Tah to:
Tay Tay 
Lady Gaga and her BBQ couture Dress. Her pork chop clown-gown.
Bruce Springsteen. I’m sorry to see The Boss go but – Bloody Hell! – he had us all singing ‘Born in the USA’. 
And cease and desist from singing or even humming a song with a US town name, including:
 New York. New York 
Do You Know The Way To San Jose? 
Or, any song about Georgia. They’re too depressing.
……………………
We will have to go ‘cold turkey’ and forego:
All sneakers, especially the ones that look like fluoro-pink lace-up alien parasites.
And baseball caps. What is the point of wearing a peak cap backwards, anyway?
Wu Tang and P Diddy duds
Victoria’s- poorly kept – Secret
Billionaire tech Wankers
Hedge fund #$%## ( Add your own expletive.)
and Elon (Not a big ask, there.)
……………………
We’ll have to cut out:
Bubble Gum
Upsize super cholesterol-overdose blubber burgers 
Mega-buckets of limp fries
And all their killer Combos. 
Colossus cups of Pepsi and Coke, but not all at once. If you are a real soda pop addict, you might want to step this one down. Try 5 litres on day 1, then 4 day 2, and so on. Or go to the chemist and get a Cola patch to stop you twitching. 
……………………
We’ll have to throw out all those self-help books like:
Feel the fear and do it anyway (Try, Feel the Fear and Go Back to Bed)
Awaken the giant within (Maybe try, Awaken the Whinging Dwarf Within)
……………………
We must give up conspiracy theories involving:
 UFOs
 JFK 
Elvis
The Moon landing Hoax. Of course, they played golf on the moon.
Keep Epstein, perhaps. 
……………………
We must give up taking:
 Prozac 
Valium (If you stop following US politics, you may not feel so depressed or anxious)
……………………
We, Aussies, must turn our backs on:
 Wall Street. 
Stretch Limos
Googling
Lycra (Not too much of a sacrifice there.)
Nike. 
……………………
Come on Australia. Just do it. Damn! Oh well, have a nice day.

Jinglehideousis: Fear of Christmas Carols

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From my Christmas Archives:

It is official. Listening to hours of hideous Christmas carols piped through stores and shopping malls during December is not good for your health. 

In 2004, the Austrian Trade Union Federation spokesman Gottfried Riesser said, ‘This is psychological terror for shop workers’. A study by the union found the piped Christmas Carols make workers ‘aggressive and confrontational.’ The union has asked retail stores to tone it down. This would indeed benefit us all.

 As if listening to Frosty the Snowman sung by the Hallucinating Choristers is not torture enough, now we have to endure demented yuletide ringtones, including:

— A Funky Jazz Jingle Bells that sounds like the sleigh horse trod on a live power line.

—A Techno Deck the Halls that sounds like a xylophone attacked by a machine gun. 

I was reared on cuckoo Christmas carols. In the 1960s we owned 3 EPs one was:

— Bobby ‘Boris’ Picket’s The Monster’s Holiday:

Twas the night before Christmas when all through the castle

My monsters were having a yuletide hassle

The tree was all trimmed in foolish things

Like Werewolf fangs and vampire wings. 

So popular was this pre-drug-era psychedelic song, its author, Ross Bagdasarian, thought he’d try Christmas Carol writing, producing …  the terrifyingly popular ‘The Chipmunk Song (Christmas don’t be late)’ sung by Alvin and the Chipmunks. Unfortunately, they sounded like a choir of over-excited castrated rats. I still have the Alvin and the Chipmunks LP. (That’s a record for anyone born… forget it.)

There is too much hideous Christmas music about because every man and his dog has to make a Christmas Album. One year, the Singing Dogs barked their way through Jingle Bells. They would be TikTok stars today. Correction. YouTube stars.

While WHAM, or George Michael to be accurate, could croon a suitably soulful Christmas ballad, namely  Last Christmas, other singers just don’t suit the Christmas Carol vibe. For instance:

—Johnny Cash singing ‘Joy to the World’ is so depressing, you feel like taking out the turkey and whacking your own head in the oven. 

— Snoop Dogg’s Christmas in tha Dogg House makes you wonder if someone has spiked the Egg Nog with Special K … Ketamine, not the breakfast cereal.

—And Goofy singing the 12 Days of Christmas has you asking Santa for a shotgun.

Then there was church. None of the Christmas Carols sung at church are hideous, but many Christmas Carols can be sung hideously. My family was always late for Midnight Mass at St Mary’s, which, by the way, was just over the road from our house in Kyneton, Vic, so we always ended up jammed into back pews next to the local drunks. I can still hear that slow, off-key drunken version of Silent Night:

Shilend nide, olly nide, oilish carm, oilish ride

Rown yon vershon, muffer an shild

Yep! There is some pretty bad music about at this time of the year. Stay calm. Shove a bit of tinsel in each ear and, as the drunks would say, have a  Merrrrrreeeee Chridgemash.

Superman Returns: Hey Superkids learn How to leap tall buildings in a single bound

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Superman has returned to the big screen in 2025.

Here is a little extract from a book I wrote for superkids who, obviously, are still learning their craft.

It was titled How to Save the World Before Breakfast (Omnibus Books) with illustrations by Craig Smith. Here’s one lesson:

How to leap tall buildings in a single bound

The problem with leaping tall buildings in a single bound these days is that tall buildings are so tall.

Superkids 2

 

DIY Science for those who believe anything they want to believe!

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I wrote this article in 2005. Given the Anit-Vax, Anti-Science movement today especially in America, it seems more relevant now than ever. 

 

 

 

Good evening, parents, and welcome to this Information Night about our exciting new subject, DIY Science. In this Year 7 program we don’t just respect individual beliefs; we embrace them.

And here are the fascinating topics your children will study this year:

Matter: Matter is made up of small particles called atoms. Atoms can combine to form big molecules like DNA and big crystals, which have mystical powers. Crystals bestow good fortune and can, obviously, help with homework.

Light: Light is a form of energy. Each colour of light has a different wavelength. A crystal with magical powers can split white light into different colours to form a rainbow. A rainbow is a sign of good luck or that it’s been raining. People’s heads can also split light into different colours. This is an aura. An aura is a person’s energy field. Red is for anger; while the flashing red aura means ‘Warning: I’m about to explode’.

Evolution: The survival of the fittest theory of evolution explains how man descended from monkeys. This is not the only theory about the arrival of intelligent life on earth. There are those who believe intelligent beings came from outer space. These aliens left strange markings, built the pyramids and generally boosted our IQ levels, which weren’t much at the time. Others believe dolphins are the most intelligent beings on earth. We think they know something. But what?

Life Cycle: The life cycle of the frog involves the egg, the tadpole, the frog and, according to popular folklore, the frog prince. The lifecycle of people who believe in reincarnation involves gnats, crickets, frogs and finally a higher life form. A dolphin, perhaps. While the lifecycle of Shirley Maclaine has involved Roman slave girls and Cleopatra. It is not known what life form Shirley will assume in her next life, though from her current appearance, a frog seems on the cards.

Planets: Our solar system is made up of nine planets that orbit the sun. Everything runs smoothly day in, day out until Venus aligns with Mars and suddenly all the Geminis are out of their trees and the Leos start bossing everyone about. This makes life very difficult for science teachers. And when the ruling planet Venus makes its way through Scorpio there is romance in the air. Many parents run into old flames. But we don’t call them old flames in Science. We call them Bunsen Burners.

Motion: A body will remain at rest or in the state of uniform motion in a straight line unless acted on by an external force…or a psychic. Psychics have para-normal powers, which makes it easy for them to pass the salt during dinner.

Acids and Bases: Acids and bases combine to form salt and water. Vinegar is an acid. Ammonia is a base. Salt is the stuff you put on chips. But you shouldn’t have any of these because they are all chemicals and some people think chemicals are bad for you. Ammonia isn’t the best. Just drink water. Or live on air. Some think you can do this, but there are a few drawbacks. (See respiration.)

Respiration: We breathe oxygen. Oxygen is carried by haemoglobin to cells where it combines with chemicals to produce energy and some free radicals. This means big trouble because oxygen is an oxidant. Free radicals are oxidants. And we don’t like oxidants. They are accused of causing everything from cancer to aging to toxin build-up. So we eat buckets of anti-oxidants like blueberries to get rid of them. Of course, we could just give up breathing, but that trend hasn’t taken off.

Combustion: Oxygen combines with fossil fuels during combustion to form oxides such as carbon dioxide. Carbon dioxide is a greenhouse gas. Greenhouse gases are causing global warming. These gases come from many sources, but everyone just blames 4WDs. Methane is also a greenhouse gas. It is produced in the digestive system of cows, sheep, goats and humans along with other odorous gases. (Maybe this is what dolphins have been trying to tell us.)

Summary: So you can see DIY Science is a comprehensive subject. It is so much better than that old Science where students had to fiddle with experiments and verify facts. We use a clairvoyant to tell us the students’ test marks and save them the inconvenience of having to study or sit exams. Now I’ll hand you over to the maths teacher, who will explain the exciting New Age Maths program involving equilateral, isosceles and Bermuda triangles. Thank You.

Why we AUSSIES are LOST & CONFUSED at Easter …

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This article was published in the Independent Australia in 2022.

At Easter, I think of an Aussie Republic because in 1999 we rejected changing the Constitution PREAMBLE to one that began ‘In God we hope …’

So who was this Aussie GOD meant to be?

And how religious are we anyway? Full article here.

Baboons Just Wanna Have Fun, sort of.

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Before Marilyn Monroe, before the Campbell’s soup cans, Andy Warhol produced BABOON!!!!! The article below about Hipster Baboons was published in the Herald Sun(Vic) and The Advertiser (SA) in 2003.

It’s not easy being a baboon. Life is pretty tough out there on the African Savanna. But not in the way you might think. Professor Sapolsky and colleagues from Stanford University, California have studied stress in baboons in Kenya’s Serengeti game reserve. They did this by taking blood samples of the baboons and testing for stress hormones. And the results are very disturbing.

Now you must keep in mind that the baboons in Kenya’s Serengeti game reserve are hip baboons. They have adopted a particularly modern lifestyle. They don’t have to forage for food. It’s there for the taking. They are seldom threatened by disease or predators. So they have time on their hands to think about more important issues in life such as relationships, sexual politics, strutting their stuff and letting it all hang out around the waterhole. 

And they are stressed. Very stressed. First there’s the troop pecking order to worry about. They all wanna be the hippest baboon babes and top macho apes. Then there’s off-road rage. ‘You cut me off on the way to the waterhole!’. That sort of thing. Domestic violence. Excrement throwing is on the increase. Incest. Well, not incest. They’re not too worried about that. But these modern baboons are showing all the physical signs of modern stress. They have stomach ulcers, high blood pressure and unhealthy cholesterol levels. All that is missing are the mobile phones.

And I want to say to the baboons of the Serengeti, we humans will be there for you. We know everything there is to know about stress. We can give you advice. And here it is.

Exercise more. Try jogging. You may feel silly running around in circles without a leopard chasing you. But don’t. We humans do it all the time. And we do quite well on IQ tests so we’re not silly though I’m not sure about joggers.

Eat low-fat Savanna Grass. It will taste like that stuff you throw at each other in rage. But, a lot of humans eat food like this all the time.

Take up a leisure activity.  Try golf. After you hit a little rock into 18 holes with a stick, you can spend the rest of the day at the waterhole discussing how to hit a little rock into a hole with a stick. That’s what humans do.

Try a New Age Guru. You can go to a lecture and locate your inner ape. A bit of chest-beating, mooning, and teeth gnashing with the boys in the jungle may be just what you need.

Read Cleo. If you are having trouble with your sex life. Read Cleo magazine. You’ll find out ‘How to get the best orgasm of your life’, ‘How to win him back from her’ and ‘How to get great thighs for Summer’ possibly all in one edition.

Change your lifestyleIf. you have been If hollerin’ and a hootin’ around the waterhole at night and generally partying too hard change your lifestyle. Take up meditation. Put on a relaxation tape and reflect on the meaning of life by listening to dolphins calling. Why dolphins? I don’t know. Humans think dolphins know something. 

Hungover Issues. If you have been hitting the fermented Acacia pods every night, it’s time to stop. Join AA (Apes Anonymous) they’ll give you a 12-step program. Just take 12 steps away from that tree.

Become a SNAB – a Sensitive New Age Baboon. In fact, Professor Sapolsky and colleagues found that male baboons who spent the most time grooming or being groomed by females not in heat and playing with baby baboons had the lowest stress levels. 

See. You’ve got to spend more time with the family. Be sensitive. Adopt a you-scratch-my-back-and-I’ll-scratch-yours attitude. And life will be good once again on the savanna.