Hey Girls, why do you worry about the anonymous THEY? Part 1

My daughter found a video marked ‘Kerry. Don’t tape over’ in my mother’s handwriting at the back of a cupboard last week. Sadly, my mother has been dead for over 20 years. We don’t have a VCR player anymore. My daughter bought one for $20 on Gumtree.

The tape contained TV interviews. Kerry with Ray Martin. Kerry with Steve Vizard. etc. I was astounded to see my younger SELF of 30 years ago. I was in my thirties. (The pic above is 10 years old). All I can remember was hating going on TV. I was SELF CRITICAL of everything. My looks. What I said. What I didn’t say.

Keep in mind this was live TV. You are often told what to wear, what to say, what not to say. And there was the audience too. I wanted to please them all, the anonymous THEY. But don’t we all do that all too often. Shouldn’t we ask ourselves sometimes ‘who exactly am I trying to please here?’

And why? Why did I care about THEM? Why didn’t I just please myself? See for yourself:

Hey Girls, why do you worry about the anonymous THEY? Part II

When you arrived at old Channel 9 studios in Bendigo St, Richmond, and walked into reception on your way to a morning show interview or live cross, the receptionist would ring through to some studio lackey announcing ‘the talent’s here’. That’s how much the TV studio staff cared about performers. No name. Just THE TALENT. The carpark had a sign that read ‘PARKING FOR STAFF AND TALENT’.

I always imagined the Channel 9 carpark teaming of jugglers, violinists and ballerinas on their way to and from some show.

Working for newspapers, publishers and radio shows I did not come under pressure of having to worry about the ANONYMOUS THEY. This pressure to perform or conform only applied to TV, a visual media. But we are all in the visual (social) media today in some form or other.

I ask again ‘who are you trying to please, impress or entertain?’ I was so critical of myself 30 years ago. Here are some more clips from the vault. And 30 years ago I was so critical of myself because I worried too much about the ANONYMOUS THEY.

Judge for yourself.

Orlando, Fl, 2016

While doing reasearch for a novel on American Gun Culture I discovered that following the Dunblane School mass-shooting in Scotalnd in 1996 (16 children and 1 teacher killed) the UK banned handguns totally. Following the Port Arthur mass-shooting in 1996 (35 killed) Australia banned all automatic and equivalent rifles and pump action shot guns.

Twenty years later, I wonder, ‘how does the 2nd Amendment protect Amercians?’ I pay tribute to all Americans who, tragically, have become victims of their own their constitution.

Orlando, Fl, 2016

Why We Honour the ANZACS

A friend once commented to me that being a soldier is just a job. Moreoever, they know the risks involved when they enlist, so why do we make such a fuss on ANZAC DAY?

Being an accountant is a job, a perfectly resonable job, but accountants do not risk their lives, they do not get shot at for simply turning up for work. Being a member of the Armed Services is NOT JUST A JOB. And here is the reason why:

A TRIBUTE FOR ANZAC DAY

Kerry Cue

Herald Sun, 23rd April, 2002.

I am an Australian soldier. I fought in the First World War. We called this war the Great War. We couldn’t believe there’d be another. Britain was at war. So we were too. That’s how it was, then, in Australia.

Thousands of us lads put down farm and other tools and joined up for the adventure, for a lark. But it was no lark. Gallipoli was our baptism into the bloodletting insanity of this war. We lost mates. Those lads of just 19 and 20 were buried where they fell on the sands of Damascus and in the fields of Villers-Bretonneux. But the insanity persisted. We lived misery in the trenches. When the insane call came to go over the top into No-man’s land, we went.

But don’t call me a hero. I am just an ordinary lad. I put on a uniform. I went to war. And I stuck by my mates. That’s all I did. I stuck by my mates.

Later, on the first ANZAC Day 4,000 of us marched through the Domain in Sydney. But the crowd did not treat us like conquering heroes. There were no cheers, just a few handclaps. They stood in silent awe of the spirit of the ANZACS.

Screen shot 2016-04-18 at 12.02.17 PMI am an Australian soldier. I fought in the Second World War. I went to the Middle East. At Damascus and El Alamein we fought in the merciless glare of the desert sun. We were cut off at Tobruk, undermanned and under supplied, we dug in and held on. The Germans called us the ‘Rats of Tobruk’.

Then Japan attacked Pearl Harbour. And suddenly the war front was heading for Australia. Singapore fell. We became prisoners of war and saw some of our mates, young boys, tortured, beaten, starved and beheaded. We survived. Just.

But the fight for Australia had begun. Weary and diseased, we fought the Japs step by slippery step back along the treacherous paths of the Kokoda Trail in New Guinea. And we stopped them getting to Port Morseby. We stopped them getting a foothold in New Guinea and clear access to Australia. Then as the tides of war turned we fought them inch by bloody inch back through the Pacific island jungles to Japan.

But don’t call us heroes, we’re just ordinary blokes who put on a uniform. We fought and some of us died for Australia.

I am an Australia soldier. I fought in Vietnam. A conscript, I was plucked off the street at 18, put in a uniform and sent to the jungle to fight a cause that I didn’t understand in a war that had no front. This war was not like others. We couldn’t see the enemy. Mates died at Long Tan for what? Back home I was spat on in the street. I was angry and frustrated. But I understand now.

I may not always respect what the government does, but I respect their right to do it. That’s democracy. In 1966, Australians voted overwhelmingly in favour of the war. It was all the way with LBJ.

Then Australians changed. We saw the war on TV each night. We saw the butchery in black and white. People began to protest in great numbers against the war. Eventually, the government bowed to the will of the people and brought us home. But it was the people who sent us in the first place. Even in Vietnam we represented the people of Australia. At home we represented their guilt.

I am an Australian soldier. I have represented Australia in peacekeeping forces in Zimbabwe, Cambodia, Somalia, Iraq, Rwanda, Bougainville and East Timor. I have fought in Afghanistan. I’ve seen countries where governments are changed by machete or Kalashnikov. And it makes me thankful to be Australian. We can change government without the loss of blood. For all its flaws, our democracy works.

I am an Australian soldier. It is the people of Australia I represent. Always. It is the people I serve.

Photo Source: Road to the Great War Blog

We win the sex war!! ha-ha-ha!

Screen shot 2016-02-08 at 4.28.09 PM

Our fab team – Mikalea, Tracey and myself – destroyed the male competion in the COMIC DEBATE:

‘If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman’

Maggie Thatcher

St-Helena-Margaret-ThatcherWe took the negative to force the ‘boys’ – if you can call aging barristers, boys – to try and prove ‘if you want something done ask a woman’.

We killed them. I was the first speaker. Here is my oppening address.

Ladies and Gentleman   ………… and Members of the Melbourne Club,

We will argue empathically that:

if you want something SAID DO NOT ASK A MAN.

If you want something DONE DO NOT ASK A WOMAN.

I will use 3 irrefutable points to prove to you without a doubt that if you want something SAID DO NOT ASK A MAN:

  1. THEY DON’T LISTEN
  2. THEY ARE SOCIALLY INEPT
  3. THEY ARE ON THE SPECTRUM

 

If you want something SAID DO NOT ASK A MAN.

Why? Firstly, because:

pic 21. THEY DON’T LISTEN.

This is not simply our view. Research by Dr Joseph Lurito of Indiana University School of Medicine SHOWED

Using the latest fMRI technology that men only use ½ their brain to LISTEN.

And, as we all know, that 1/2 isn’t even in their HEAD.

One reason men don’t listen is because of their tiny little, nano-second ATTENTION SPAN.

I only have to state 4 words to prove my point: PEE IN THE BOWL. pic 4

Women have been saying this ever since Thomas Crapper first fiddled with the plumbing of the WC. This is over 100 YEARS of selective male deafness. When it comes to LEARNING to LISTEN, they should be wearing L-Plates … until they earn their P—PLATES.

BUT the MAIN reason why men don’t LISTEN is, simply, that they can only think of ONE thing at a time.

HIS HALF BRAIN except for one flickering neuron behind his left ear –

  • is totally consumed by one thought and one thought alone;

THE SIZE OF HIS …. PHONE.

Once there was a race to downsize phones. Men’s phones became littler and littler … unbelievable words could be head in the corridors of power namely:

MINE’S SMALLER … more compact   … with more functions

It was a metaphorically confusing time when a man’s extended ego was shorter than his penis. But now the natural order has returned. All is good and right in the universe. Phones are MASSIVE.

A man – using the half of his brain not located in his head – can say with confidence ‘MINE’S BIGGER” His ego is secure. He loves his extended ego/Phone, but he can’t stop fiddling with it. If any man here has his hands under the table, you know what he’s doing!

But he won’t LISTEN …. Even if you are lying in bed with him. Unless you TEXT him to ‘stop snoring’ because he won’t listen but he can still read!!!

Secondly, if you want something said don’t ask a man because:

pic 3

2. They are SOCIALLY INEPT.

You see this in social setting all the time where a man gets THAT LOOK from his partner and HE says, totally, perplexed:

‘What’d I do?’

‘If my MOTHER walks into the kitchen and asks ‘ Where do you keep the broom?

Don’t ask: DO YOU WANT TO SWEEP WITH IT OR RIDE IT HOME?’

Insensitive?   Clueless?    YES! Men in social settings are often VERY CONFUSED.

LOOK AT the ESTEEMED OPPOSITION. They are looking very confused THIS very minute. You cannot trust him to say something socially sensible or sensitive or, even , SANE:

There are 3 words that support my argument. PICK UP LINES:

– (To a girl with a big bossom) Are those real?

       OR

-(To a girl named Wilma)They call me Fred Flintstone because I can make THE Bed Rock!

     OR

– (To a girl in a mini skirt) Can I buy you a drink or would you prefer the 10 bucks?

Finally, if you want something said DO NOT ASK A MAN because:

3. They are all on the SPECTRUM.

I’m not making this up. Professor Steven Lawrie, Head of Psychiatry at Edinburgh University said that research shows that men’s brains have to work harder when making social decisions. BECAUSE they suffer from a range of autism-linked conditions. OH YES! They … all of them … are on the SPECTRUM. Down this end. All together. Along with: HITLER, GENHGIS KHAN,  DONALD TRUMP

Pick a man to say something. How about

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER?

I quote: “I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.”

It’s possible. Gay men would just have to marry Lesbians!

Men should only be allowed to open their mouths to EAT, Drink And GARGLE

And drinking is a problem!!!!! Yes! They are 12 steps away from saying something really stupid like:

‘I know you’re my best friend ,but I have to tell you,

I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER.

Shut up Dad, you ‘re drunk!

Ladies and Gentlemen …. and Members of the Melbourne Club.

Not only are MEN ON THE SPECTRUM’

THEY struggle with language and are prone to problems such as dyslexia.

* Did you hear the joke about three men who walked into a BRA.

*OM DOG. Did I say that?

Meanwhile, Dr Sally Shaywitz, of Yale University’s School of Medicine:

Yes! The prestigious university YALE ….Y ..A ..L .. E

Or as some men due to their DYSLEXIA are now thinking: the prestigious L .. A.. Y..

Dr Sally found that:

* Women excel at verbal speed. We not only listen, we say more!!!

*men do better at imaging what an object would look like rotated … in bed.

In conclusion I put to you that if you want something SAID DO NOT ASK A MAN because:

-he only listens with ½ his brain …. Not located in his head.

– his brain is occupied by the size of his … phone

– and he doesn’t know if his university of choice is prestigious YALE or a good LAY.

If you want something said

I implore you

I beg of you

DON’T ASK A MAN!!!!!!!

Bah! Humbug! Advent Calendar 2015

Advent Calendar 1 Silly Season Antidote

    .     …1 DEC………………….2 DEC…………………3 DEC……………….4 DEC

Advent Calendar 2 Silly Season Antidote

    .     …5 DEC………………….6DEC.…………………7 DEC……………….8 DEC

Advent Calendar 3 Silly Season Antidote

    .     …9 DEC………………….10 DEC………………..11 DEC……………. 12 DEC

Advent Calendar 4 Silly Season Antidote

    .     …13 DEC………………..14 DEC……………..15 DEC……………….16 DEC

Advent Calendar 5 Silly Season Antidote

    .     .17 DEC………………….18 DEC……………….19 DEC ……………….20 DEC

Advent Calendar 6 Silly Season Antidote

    .     .21 DEC………………….22 DEC……………….23 DEC…………………24 DEC

New Ways to Die: The Snuffie

The world is my ant farm. Human behaviour fascinates me in all shades of crazy. So the advent of the SELFIE continues to intrigue. Are we more self-obsessed now? Or do we simply have access to the technology to indulge our self-obsessions? Ancient selfie Or are we becoming more stupid? The Guardian, UK, recently ran an article about DEATH BY SELFIE. People do unbelievably stupid things to capture a look-at-me snap such as:

  • get up close and friendly with bears, bison and tigers!!!
  • perch teetering on cliffs
  • photograph themselves running in front of charging bulls
  • and shooting themselves in the head taking that GANSTA pic.

old man and the selfie 2 Since the SELFIE is a word invented to describe a new behaviour, I think we need to invent another new word to describe DEATH BY SELFIE. I suggest THE SNUFFIE. Will it catch on? I hope not. Snuffie