Captain Hook and the History of Oz

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From Charming and Colliding Blog

From Charming and Colliding Blog

Ministers of Education have been alarmed in the past to discover Australian High School Students know very little about the history of this country. The following essay by Ashlee M, Year 8, Coolathanu High is believed to be included in some bureaucratic report somewhere.

Australia is a large incontinent which lies in the Specific Ocean except for Tasmania which doesn’t know where it is. Australia is very hot because the Topic of Popracorn is in Queensland somewhere, which means Queenslanders are sweaty and can grow topical plants in their ears. But the most important topic is the topic of Cancer because if youse get sunburnt, Omigod, ya gonna die.

Full Article: Captain Hook and the History of Oz

In the Era of Self-Obsession ANZAC DAY tells a Different Story

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Michael O'Donnell 20th Rein 14th Batt, 1916

Michael O’Donnell
20th Rein 14th Batt, 1916

My Great Uncle MIchael O’Donnell was killed at Bullecourt, France in 1917. This is the story about a young man who was Court Martialed 3 times, held with enemy prisoners and  finally allowed to go to war following a Senate Inquiry.

It is also a story about duty, loyalty and honour and how much we Aussies have changed today.

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Michael O'Donnell Postcard 1911 Remembering 1910 March Melbourne to Bendigo

Michael O’Donnell
Postcard 1911
Remembering 1910 March Melbourne to Bendigo

The sound that distinguishes Anzac Day from others is the bugle call. The solitary call of the Last Post reverberates down the generations as a mournful cry for the loss of war.

In the First World War it was the loss of so many young lives and for what? A toehold on some peninsula, a futile charge into no man’s land? The loss swept into every Australian household. Mothers lost their sons.

Young women lost brothers, boyfriends, lovers, husbands. And for fathers, adding to the pain of loss, was the bitter aftertaste of guilt summarised so succinctly by Rudyard Kipling, who lost his own son in that war:

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“If any question why we died/Tell them, because our fathers lied.”

Yet the generation of Australians who served in the First World War had qualities we no longer possess and this is our loss.

Read Full Article here: Echo of the Bugle

Read Edited article published in the herald Sun Anzac Day, 25th April, 2007: Echo of the Bugle

Those Blood-Sucking Mozzies are Back

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Melbourne has had a particularly wet Summer and the Mozzies love it.

I’ve watched a family walking by the Yarra River with the kids slapping each other with their baseball caps. Finally, they gave up and ran for cover.

The mozzies are that bad.

Kerry Cue article several newspapers 2005. 

Bzzzz! Ugh! Bzzzz. Thwack! Missed. Damn mozzie!

It happens every Summer. The Aussies Vs The Mozzies Test Match. And the mozzies win because there are zillions of ‘em. There are, in fact, 400 types of mozzie in Oz with names like Aedes Sollicitans. So at least one blood-sucking pest is also a lawyer makes perfect sense. Now each of these 400 mozzies has its own modus operandi. Some buzz around your head. Some go for the ankles. Some go for plump, sporty blokes.

 According to Tokyo researcher Dr Yoshikazu Shirai mozzies like Type O blood – marinated in a good wine, slightly aged and warmed in the sun – and, apparently, more blokes have it. If you are a fit, fat, sweaty bloke, now you know why you’re invited to barbecues. You’re the mozzie decoy.

But we all get mozzie bites. It’s the female mozzie doing the damage. And here’s the scary bit. She uses your DNA to make mozzie eggs. 200 to 300 of them. She spreads you around. And there may be little Bazza and Shazza mozzies out there that look a little like you about the blood-shot eyes.

But mozzies aren’t just annoying. They’re nano bio-terrorists. They spread fevers, plagues and mental diseases. This may explain the odd behaviour of Queenslanders at times.

So how do you outsmart mozzies? First, you must understand the mozzie psyche. Unionists, they work mostly at dusk and dawn attracted to smell, sound, carbon dioxide, warmth and light. An evening barbie is like yelling ‘come’n get it!’ to a mozzie. 

Aussies use many concoctions and contraptions from coils to sprays to zappers to get rid of mozzies. But do any of these devices work?

I can tell you. For we Aussies have a secret weapon, the Australian Mosquito Control Manual (2004) written by Darwin Medical Entomologist Peter Whelan. And here’s the low down. Anti-mozzie devices from citronella candles to zappers only work in confined spaces. That’s inside, mate. Any device that lures mozzies is useless because the kamikaze mozzies simply snack on you midway through their death dive. Sonic-repellent gizmos don’t work. Mozzies like others with brains the size of a pinhead enjoy one-note techno music. 

Ritual flame torches help. Mozzies aren’t attracted to yellow light. But if you don’t want your backyard to look like a fake tribal set from ‘Survivor’, just use yellow globes. Shrubs don’t help. Maybe you can squash the leaves and rub them on the skin. Or better still just grab some tea tree branches and thrash your guests. It mightn’t deter the mozzies, but it would scare off the neighbours!

Wind is good. Mozzies can’t fly in the wind. So the perfect time for a mozzie-free barbecue is just when the plates are flying off the table in gale-force winds. Sprays and gels work. But Aerogard is not enough. It keeps off flies. You need the big guns for mozzies. Tropical Strength Aerogard. Rid. Bushmans. Muskol. Repel. Use them all!

Now you’re on holiday. Camping. In come swarms of mozzies. It’s an emergency. What do you do?  You open your Australian Mosquito Control Manual and read on. Peter Whelan suggests to avoid mozzies in an emergency you cover yourself in mud, camp downwind near stock (They’re cows, city folk.), burn dung (Well, you’re near cows!) and if necessary bury yourself to the neck in sand and cover your head, which sounds like a fun camping trip for all the family. 

And one other thing. If all else fails. Run. Like the wind, I guess.  

What if AI wrote Your CV?

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I worked as a columnist for multiple newspapers for over 35 years. Yeah! Do the maths!!!! But there’s a large online archive of my writing and my public speaking profile. So I asked CHAT GPT to write a short author’s blurb for me. Apparently, I’m amazing.

But here’s the heads up. Recruitment agencies are using AI to define criteria for certain jobs and then they use AI to rank applicants using those criteria. You may want to check AI before lodging an application.

Here’s a few lines from my AI written author’s blurb just so you know how BRILLIANT I am.

‘Kerry Cue is a captivating author known for her witty, insightful, and often humorous explorations of the human experience.’

‘Kerry Cue’s writing will make you laugh, cry, and ponder, all while reminding you of the beauty in the ordinary.’

That’s me. I specialise in being brilliantly ordinary!!!!!!!

AI rips off MEN AT WORK’s song DOWN UNDER

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Parody was allowed as a ‘fair dealing’ exception in the Copyright Amendment Act in Australia in 2006.

AI isn’t necessarily good. You have to ask it the right Question. When I was asked to write something on a Futuristic Theme I used CHAT GPT. Was it fair use? You decide.

Here is AI’s response to the request:The robot kangaroo is AI generated too.

Why AI stands for Aussie Idiot!

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I’ve written, maybe, 2000+ articles and many are online. So I asked ChatGPT to write an article for me. Can I retire now? Just use AI to write my articles? The results were hilarious but not in a good way. 

The words HUMOROUS and AUSTRALIAN prompted an ANCIENT OCKER text:

Write a humorous article about banks closing in Australia in the style of “Kerry Cue”

Headline: Crikey! Bank Closures Down Under: A Hilarious Twist in the Aussie Banking Saga

Subheadline: The Great Downfall: How Kangaroos and Koalas are Dealing with the ‘No Cash Mate’ Situation

By Kerry Cue | May 19, 2023

G’day, mates! Hold onto your Vegemite sandwiches because we have some ripper news from the land of kangaroos, koalas, and cash flow conundrums. It appears that the Australian banking scene is experiencing a fair dinkum shake-up, with banks closing faster than you can say, “Chuck a sickie!” But fear not, for we’re here to give you a fair-dinkum, tongue-in-cheek tour of this laugh-a-minute rollercoaster ride.

Now, what’s the dinky-di reason for this banking brouhaha? Well, it seems like Aussies have been embracing the cashless lifestyle faster than you can down a schooner of cold brew. Between tapping their credit cards, zapping their smartphones, and throwing payWave magic at every purchase, they’ve left good ol’ bank branches feeling as empty as a snag sizzle without the snags!

As we all know, banks used to be the place where you could pop in for a yarn with Sheila behind the counter while depositing your hard-earned dough. But now, those snazzy self-service machines have invaded our beloved branches, leaving poor Sheila twiddling her thumbs and wondering if her “how’s your day going, mate?” skills are still relevant.

But what about the locals, you ask? Well, they’re in a proper flamin’ state of bewilderment, that’s for sure. Picture this: Barry, your typical Aussie bloke, rocks up to his local bank branch, only to find a note on the door saying, “We’ve gone walkabout, mate!” Poor Bazza is left scratching his mullet, wondering how he’s going to withdraw a crisp twenty to shout his mates a few cold ones at the pub.

And don’t even get us started on the wildlife down under! Koalas are furiously debating how to eucalyptus-tap their payments, while kangaroos are hopping mad because they can’t figure out how to use a smartphone with those pesky paws. Crikey, even the emus are running around in circles, trying to find a teller who can cash their checks!

But fear not, our resilient Aussie spirit won’t be swayed by this banking brouhaha. We’re a resourceful bunch, always ready to adapt and have a chuckle along the way. We’ve already heard rumors of Wallabies hosting financial literacy workshops, teaching fellow animals how to use their joeys to press buttons on ATMs. It’s a sight that’ll leave you laughing like a kookaburra on nitrous oxide!

In all seriousness, though, the closure of bank branches is no laughing matter. Many rural and remote communities are left high and dry, facing the challenge of accessing essential financial services. It’s crucial for banks and policymakers to come together, take a fair dinkum look at the impact of these closures, and find innovative solutions to keep the Australian spirit alive.

So, cobbers, let’s raise our lamingtons and salute the Aussie battlers, both human and animal, who are navigating this “no cash mate” situation with resilience and humor. As we forge ahead into the brave new world of digital transactions, let’s not forget to appreciate the Sheila behind the counter and the sense of community a local bank branch provides. After all, a fair-go attitude and a good ol’ belly laugh can make any banking blues seem like a dropbear scare. Cheers, mates!

Here is my orginal article on banks closing:A Lesson in Modern Banking for the Lost and Bewildered

The Rules of BACKYARD CRICKET? Make Them Up as You Go

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Shock! Horror! Outrage!
The NSW Australia Day Council threatened to publish the Rules of BACKYARD CRICKET way back on Australia Day, 2018. The result of this outrage was that nothing happened because there are no rules. That’s the point.

I wrote a LETTER TO ALLAN BORDER in 1988. This comic story about the crazy make-them-up-as-you-go rules of Backyard Cricket was published in The Age, SMH etc.

Ian (Macca) McNamara read out the letter on Australia All Over, ABC.

LISTEN to Macca read: A LETTER TO ALLAN BORDER (above)