We win the sex war!! ha-ha-ha!

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Our fab team – Mikalea, Tracey and myself – destroyed the male competion in the COMIC DEBATE:

‘If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman’

Maggie Thatcher

St-Helena-Margaret-ThatcherWe took the negative to force the ‘boys’ – if you can call aging barristers, boys – to try and prove ‘if you want something done ask a woman’.

We killed them. I was the first speaker. Here is my oppening address.

Ladies and Gentleman   ………… and Members of the Melbourne Club,

We will argue empathically that:

if you want something SAID DO NOT ASK A MAN.

If you want something DONE DO NOT ASK A WOMAN.

I will use 3 irrefutable points to prove to you without a doubt that if you want something SAID DO NOT ASK A MAN:

  1. THEY DON’T LISTEN
  2. THEY ARE SOCIALLY INEPT
  3. THEY ARE ON THE SPECTRUM

 

If you want something SAID DO NOT ASK A MAN.

Why? Firstly, because:

pic 21. THEY DON’T LISTEN.

This is not simply our view. Research by Dr Joseph Lurito of Indiana University School of Medicine SHOWED

Using the latest fMRI technology that men only use ½ their brain to LISTEN.

And, as we all know, that 1/2 isn’t even in their HEAD.

One reason men don’t listen is because of their tiny little, nano-second ATTENTION SPAN.

I only have to state 4 words to prove my point: PEE IN THE BOWL. pic 4

Women have been saying this ever since Thomas Crapper first fiddled with the plumbing of the WC. This is over 100 YEARS of selective male deafness. When it comes to LEARNING to LISTEN, they should be wearing L-Plates … until they earn their P—PLATES.

BUT the MAIN reason why men don’t LISTEN is, simply, that they can only think of ONE thing at a time.

HIS HALF BRAIN except for one flickering neuron behind his left ear –

  • is totally consumed by one thought and one thought alone;

THE SIZE OF HIS …. PHONE.

Once there was a race to downsize phones. Men’s phones became littler and littler … unbelievable words could be head in the corridors of power namely:

MINE’S SMALLER … more compact   … with more functions

It was a metaphorically confusing time when a man’s extended ego was shorter than his penis. But now the natural order has returned. All is good and right in the universe. Phones are MASSIVE.

A man – using the half of his brain not located in his head – can say with confidence ‘MINE’S BIGGER” His ego is secure. He loves his extended ego/Phone, but he can’t stop fiddling with it. If any man here has his hands under the table, you know what he’s doing!

But he won’t LISTEN …. Even if you are lying in bed with him. Unless you TEXT him to ‘stop snoring’ because he won’t listen but he can still read!!!

Secondly, if you want something said don’t ask a man because:

pic 3

2. They are SOCIALLY INEPT.

You see this in social setting all the time where a man gets THAT LOOK from his partner and HE says, totally, perplexed:

‘What’d I do?’

‘If my MOTHER walks into the kitchen and asks ‘ Where do you keep the broom?

Don’t ask: DO YOU WANT TO SWEEP WITH IT OR RIDE IT HOME?’

Insensitive?   Clueless?    YES! Men in social settings are often VERY CONFUSED.

LOOK AT the ESTEEMED OPPOSITION. They are looking very confused THIS very minute. You cannot trust him to say something socially sensible or sensitive or, even , SANE:

There are 3 words that support my argument. PICK UP LINES:

– (To a girl with a big bossom) Are those real?

       OR

-(To a girl named Wilma)They call me Fred Flintstone because I can make THE Bed Rock!

     OR

– (To a girl in a mini skirt) Can I buy you a drink or would you prefer the 10 bucks?

Finally, if you want something said DO NOT ASK A MAN because:

3. They are all on the SPECTRUM.

I’m not making this up. Professor Steven Lawrie, Head of Psychiatry at Edinburgh University said that research shows that men’s brains have to work harder when making social decisions. BECAUSE they suffer from a range of autism-linked conditions. OH YES! They … all of them … are on the SPECTRUM. Down this end. All together. Along with: HITLER, GENHGIS KHAN,  DONALD TRUMP

Pick a man to say something. How about

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER?

I quote: “I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.”

It’s possible. Gay men would just have to marry Lesbians!

Men should only be allowed to open their mouths to EAT, Drink And GARGLE

And drinking is a problem!!!!! Yes! They are 12 steps away from saying something really stupid like:

‘I know you’re my best friend ,but I have to tell you,

I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER.

Shut up Dad, you ‘re drunk!

Ladies and Gentlemen …. and Members of the Melbourne Club.

Not only are MEN ON THE SPECTRUM’

THEY struggle with language and are prone to problems such as dyslexia.

* Did you hear the joke about three men who walked into a BRA.

*OM DOG. Did I say that?

Meanwhile, Dr Sally Shaywitz, of Yale University’s School of Medicine:

Yes! The prestigious university YALE ….Y ..A ..L .. E

Or as some men due to their DYSLEXIA are now thinking: the prestigious L .. A.. Y..

Dr Sally found that:

* Women excel at verbal speed. We not only listen, we say more!!!

*men do better at imaging what an object would look like rotated … in bed.

In conclusion I put to you that if you want something SAID DO NOT ASK A MAN because:

-he only listens with ½ his brain …. Not located in his head.

– his brain is occupied by the size of his … phone

– and he doesn’t know if his university of choice is prestigious YALE or a good LAY.

If you want something said

I implore you

I beg of you

DON’T ASK A MAN!!!!!!!

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My Sister: the cow!

Kerry Cue Aus passport

When my sister, the youngest of five, was born  our mother – much to the irritation of our Police Sergeant father – was dithering in the baby-naming department. We kids – I was 13 years old at the time – wrote lists for our mother including top of breed cows’ names from the local show such as Princess Daisy II and Ramblin’ Rosie. When my mother finally decided upon ‘Joanne Marie’ my father bolted to the registry office and registered her birth.

Eighteen years later my sister applied for her passport. Thus she discovered her father had registered her at birth as a male. As our father didn’t drink we know he was sober at the time. He was, however, an impatient man and obviously he didn’t pay enough attention while ticking the boxes. You have no idea how difficult it is to change your gender on a birth certificate. My sister ended up with a dodgy document, which suggests she is either on a witness protect program or that she bought her birth certificate from cheapdocs.com.

Moral of the Story: Pay attention while filling forms or you may become gender confused.

On Bright Kids

Edited Extract: MeLand: 10 Ways Self-Obsession Makes You Stupid, by Kerry Cue, Connor Court, $24.95, 2013

In Schools

night lightquote 1

The following sentence comes from my daughter’s Grade 5 school
report noting her progress in a subject called technology: ‘This
semester Georgina has successfully role-played a light globe.’

I burst out laughing. How do you role-play a light globe? I imagine
Georgina crouched on the classroom floor until someone yelled out ‘Turn Georgina on’ and she leapt to her feet throwing her hands in the air. The truth is the report was a sham. Teachers did not have time to personalise reports so they wrote three computer-tagged versions equivalent to A, B or C grades in each subject. Every A-grade student like Georgina had successfully role-played a light globe. Of course, these were the A grade students, they’re all very bright.

100W, probably.quote 2

My Mum the ‘terrorist’

art-US-Airport-TSA-Generic-420x0 When a friend returned from an overseas trip recently he told a story about travelling with his elderly mother in America. Filling out the immigration forms on the plane he said, flippantly, to his mother ‘Don’t worry about it. Just make sure you’ve ticked every box’. She did. It must have caused considerable excitement among the US immigration officials to come across a form where someone had answered ‘yes’ to the question ‘Are you a member or representative of a terrorist organization as currently designated by the U.S. Secretary of State?’ She also had a criminal record and a communicable disease. She procured for prostitution and was a drug addict. Needless to say, immigration officials were very interested in interviewing to her.

After some argy-bargy the immigration officials were finally convinced that she was not a criminal, drug-addicted, terrorist pimp, but a dithery, short-sighted elderly woman. So they let her into America. So there it is my friends. Be careful filling out those official forms. But if all else fails, claim you are a ‘short-sighted terrorist’.

I Werewolf (and a touch of Cocker Spaniel)

4 cockerspaniel_passportThere is a rule that any official identification photograph taken of you shall be snapped at the very moment you appear, officially, to look like a shifty-eyed, drug-addled whacko. Ditto most passport photos, work IDs and driving license pics. Why doesn’t it worry employers that their in-house work IDs suggest their staff should be on the methadone program.

In my passport photo I look like Australia’s Most Wanted Werewolf Crack-Addict. But I am not the only travelling Werewolf in the world. My favourite story from the Evening Mail in Scotland told of journalist John Louvet, who was stopped by Police at the Austrian border. He admitted that he had been travelling through Europe with a snap of his neighbour’s cocker spaniel ‘Chummy’ as his passport photograph.

A police spokesman said ‘It was a very good likeness.’