There has been a momentous vote in Australia this year. To celebrate I rewrote this Christmas Carol Classic!
There’s an energy crisis in Australia today. I hate to say ‘I told you so’. Actually, I really, really enjoy telling you I told you so. Here is the article I wrote on this topic in 2008. My main point was DON’T LISTEN TO THE POLITICIANS. WE NEED A RELIABLE POWER SUPPLY.
The end of the world is coming to Melbourne. Again. In the 1959 film, On the Beach, Gregory Peck and Ava Gardner waited in Melbourne to die from radiation poisoning. Now, according to friends, life as we know it will end soon for us. Let me explain. I hang out with engineers. They’re strange folk. I’m married to one so I know. They do calculations in their heads. My beloved, HRH, doesn’t yell at us to ‘turn off the lights’. He lectures us on how many mega watts will be consumed over a 20-year period. The family tends to turn lights off just to shut him up.
My friends and some esteemed institutions are hot and bothered about power outages. Summer has been hellishly hot. Power consumption hit a record in Victoria on the 10th January. It was, admittedly, a 40 degree scorcher, but schools and many businesses were shut. In the meantime, folks are rushing out and buying air conditioners. But each new swishing, hissing unit adds a burden to the system.
There’s no power crisis claims Rob Hulls while advising Victorians to turn off air conditioners. There’s no power shortage say suppliers while explaining recent blackouts as problems with individual electricity companies. You can believe them or do the maths yourself. Victoria has a supply capacity of around 10 million kilowatts. Let’s assume Melbourne has 1 million households-a conservative figure- and that we all want to be cool, which we do. If every household installs a mid-range 10 kilowatt unit, at peak demand, air conditioners alone will use up our State’s full power supply capacity.
READ MORE HERE: It’s the End of the World. Again
Here is an earlier, more light hearted peice I wrote for the Canberra Times in 2006.
READ HERE: It’s the End of the World. Take 1.
Ministers of Education have been alarmed in the past to discover Australian High School Students know very little about the history of this country. The following essay by Ashlee M, Year 8, Coolathanu High is believed to be included in some bureaucratic report somewhere.
Australia is a large incontinent which lies in the Specific Ocean except for Tasmania which doesn’t know where it is. Australia is very hot because the Topic of Popracorn is in Queensland somewhere, which means Queenslanders are sweaty and can grow topical plants in their ears. But the most important topic is the topic of Cancer because if youse get sunburnt, Omigod, ya gonna die.
Full Article: Captain Hook and the History of Oz
While doing reasearch for a novel on American Gun Culture I discovered that following the Dunblane School mass-shooting in Scotalnd in 1996 (16 children and 1 teacher killed) the UK banned handguns totally. Following the Port Arthur mass-shooting in 1996 (35 killed) Australia banned all automatic and equivalent rifles and pump action shot guns. Other countries are not so fortunate.
It is easy to forget how a 5 year old thinks. The world looks totally weird to a 5 year old. In 1997, when this article was first published, I received many letters from junior school teachers saying ‘Soooo true.’
I have a school hat. It’s big. It goes down to my nose. And I have to put my head back, right back, to see things. And I falled over my bag. But you’ve gotta have to wear your hat because ‘otherwise you’re dead.’ That’s what my sister says. But the teacher’s they don’t wear hats. They’ll be dead soon.
When we gotted to school my mum wouldn’t let go of my hand. Ami from my kinder was crying. But I’m big. I can do big jumps. I can do wrestling. I can punch dragons. I can. My sister. She’s Grade Free. She says ya can’t punch dragons ‘cos they will barbecue you with one breath. But you can punch dragons. When they’re asleep.
My school is called St Hello Wishes. And it’s big. It’s more bigger than Africa. But my school hasn’t got lions because they eat people. But teachers think there is lions. Because that’s what the teacher says when you go to school. She says ‘Get in a lion boys and girls.’
Get in a Lion, Kids published Herald Sun (24 Jan 1997) and as The First Day of School, The Advertiser (SA 27 Jan 1997). Read full article: My First Day at School Ever
Also, for kids starting High School see: Sometimes It’s the Class Clown that Performs Well in Life
Australia is a scary place. Backpacker murderers, poisonous snakes, killer mozzies, big bloody bats dropping out of the sky, Danni Monogue and bad haircuts.
It is a cruel, harsh and unforgiving land. So have some respect. This Australia Day look up from your iPhone, turn off the tellie and take those earbuds out of your ears. You cannot afford to turn your back on this country for a minute.
I love a psycho country
A land of badass plains
Of whacko mountain ranges
Sick droughts and random rains
I love her weird horizons
I love her aggro sea
Her tarty mad bitch manner
The looney land for me!
Pscho Oz published in The Canberra Times 26/1/2011. Read Full article here.