Category Archives: Articles

It’s a Long Way to the Top when You’re Getting Old

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Rolling Stones Daily Mail UKWith the Rolling Stones recently cancelling their Australian Tour, I was reminded of an article I wrote in 2002 about aging rock stars.

Of course, old rockers should keep on rockin’. Mick Jagger won’t be taking up making bedtrays with matchsticks anytime soon. But Bob Dylan, for instance, can’t go on singing ‘Knock knock knockin’ on Heavens Door’ when half the audience is worried that God may answer. So I rewrote some songs for old rockers with age appropriate lyrics:

Walking the Dog

Rewritten for The Rolling Stones

Granny back

Dressed in black

Silver hair all down her back

Thick hose, bunion toes

She got the pension and she can go

 

Walking the dog

I’m just a walking the dog

Retirees have time to do it

They’ll show you how to walk the dog

C’mon now C’mon

Snowblind

Rewritten for Ozzy Osborne of Black Sabbath

What you get and what you see

Um..dah..dah..dah…is it me?

Um..dah..dah..um…in vein

Dah..dah..um..dah..dah something. Cocaine?

(What was again it Sharon?)

Published Herald Sun (Groupies! When your 64?) 3 August 2002, The Advertiser (SA). Read full article:It’s a Long Way to the Top when You’re Getting Old

My First Day at School Ever

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It is easy to forget how a 5 year old thinks. The world looks totally weird to a 5 year old. In 1997, when this article was first published, I received many letters from junior school teachers saying ‘Soooo true.’

kid going to schoolI wented to school today. ‘Cos I’m big. I have a big bag for school. My mum she put my lunch box in my bag and said ‘ Don’t forget to eat it.’ But I won’t eat my lunch box. That’s silly.

 I have a school hat. It’s big. It goes down to my nose. And I have to put my head back, right back, to see things.  And I falled over my bag. But you’ve gotta have to wear your hat because ‘otherwise you’re dead.’ That’s what my sister says. But the teacher’s they don’t wear hats. They’ll be dead soon.

 When we gotted to school my mum wouldn’t let go of my hand. Ami from my kinder was crying.  But I’m big. I can do big jumps. I can do wrestling. I can punch dragons. I can. My sister. She’s Grade Free. She says ya can’t punch dragons ‘cos they will barbecue you with one breath.  But you can punch dragons. When they’re asleep.

 My school is called St Hello Wishes. And it’s big. It’s more bigger than Africa. But my school hasn’t got lions because they eat people. But teachers think there is lions. Because that’s what the teacher says when you go to school. She says ‘Get in a lion boys and girls.’

Get in a Lion, Kids published Herald Sun (24 Jan 1997) and as The First Day of School, The Advertiser (SA 27 Jan 1997). Read full article: My First Day at School Ever

Also, for kids starting High School see: Sometimes It’s the Class Clown that Performs Well in Life

Oz Day: It’s a Looney Land for Me!

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Australia is a scary place. Backpacker murderers, poisonous snakes, killer mozzies, big bloody bats dropping out of the sky, Danni Monogue and bad haircuts. 

From Charming and Colliding Blog

From Charming and Colliding Blog

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It is a cruel, harsh and unforgiving land. So have some respect. This Australia Day look up from your iPhone, turn off the tellie and take those earbuds out of your ears. You cannot afford to turn your back on this country for a minute.

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I love a psycho country

A land of badass plains

Of whacko mountain ranges

Sick droughts and random rains

I love her weird horizons

I love her aggro sea

Her tarty mad bitch manner

The looney land for me!

Pscho Oz published in The Canberra Times 26/1/2011. Read Full article here.

Guy Fawkes: O What a Night!

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Picture 1

Why would children do this? There’s no simple answer. Nevertheless, most children today have no chance to ‘play’ with fire other than with devastating results.

But Remember, Remember the 5th of November? Once we had Cracker Night. It was banned over 40 years ago in Australia. Yet the singed hair and  burnt fingertips cured the dancing-flame-fascinations of many a young pyromaniac. 

My article on Cracker Night ends:

Kerry Cue Ratbag RelationsEvery time we try to make our children’s’ lives safer, we seem to create a duller world for them. Nothing, I believe, lights up young faces like the dancing sparks of fireworks. They put magic in the air. Children will never get the same glow from a TV screen, but they are safe, I guess.

Full article from Herald Sun and other publications:Guy Fawkes O What a Night

How Digital Devices Came to Rule the World

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Let me step you through the

Brief History of How Digital Devices Came to Rule the World.

1992

…….is the year The Wiggles released their second CD. The same year the first text message was sent. Humans revert to baby talk. Soz i wz l8. No wuz. c u @ 4. Humans stop laughing and start typing lol.

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1997…. is the year the first Harry Potter book is published. That year Google begins. Humans stop asking each other questions and start Googling the answers. Human memory banks begin a rapid decline.

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2001….is the year terrorists attacked the World Trade Centre in New York. The same year Wikipedia begins. Once Bob Dylan sang ‘The answer my friend is blowing in the wind.’ Now the answer, my friend, is now on Wikipedia.  All human knowledge is stored there. Humans are no longer the guardians of human knowledge.

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2004….is the year Janet Jackson has a serious costume malfunction during the US Super Bowl. It seems ridiculous defining a year by Janet Jackson’s nipple, but that was the year Facebook begins. Janet Jackson’s nipple set the tone for Facebook gossip. Humans become obsessed with the trivia of celebrities and their own lives.

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2005…. is the year hurricane Katrina hits New Orleans with tragic loss of life. That same year You Tube begins thus missing a perfect flood of horrific on-the-spot videos. Humans now spend significant amounts of time watching other humans being dumb.

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2006…. is the year the Bird Flu scare hits world headlines. Deaths follow. Appropriately, Twitter begins the same year. Humans start bitching, whining and abusing each other in 140 characters, a number that exceeds our collective IQ.

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2007…. is the year the final Harry Potter book is published. That same year the first iPhone hits the market. From now on a bell will ring every 10 seconds in Silicon Valley and a new smaller, faster, cooler and more devious  device will be invented making your current phone look like a giant Lego brick.

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2008…. is the year Obama is elected to office. That same year the first App store opens. Apps now help you to lose weight, get pregnant, cook, navigate, accessorise, make all life decisions. Humanity will soon be controlled by Apps.

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2010…. is the year Julia Gillard becomes the Prime Minister. That year the first iPad hits the shops. Smart phones and tablet computers are now the portals to life. Humans cannot live without them.

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2013is the year Julia Gillard is sacked as Prime Minister. Do we care? Not really. A few grumbled. But let me put it this way. If they tried to take our iPhones away from us there’d be rioting in the street.

Is nothing sacred?

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Screen Grab from the Bureau of Meteorology

Screen Grab from the Bureau of Meteorology

Though April showers

May come your way,

They bring the flowers

That bloom in May;

And if it’s raining,

Have no regrets;

Because, it isn’t raining rain, you know,

It’s raining Violet … Crumbles.

And when you see clouds

Upon the hill,

You soon will see crowds

Of Ryobi drills;

So keep on looking for that bluebird,

That tweets the Twitter song,

Whenever April showers come along.

With apologies to Al Jolson.

Today’s column must start with the oft-repeated cri de coeur ”is nothing sacred?”

The Canberra Times, 1 May 2013. Read more: Is nothing sacred?

Want Me? I’m Everywhere. I’m Sex.

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Who vamps and struts?

Who clasps her breasts?

Want me?

I’m everywhere. I’m sex.

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Who sighs and writhes,

and tongues her lips,

from laptop screen to multiplex?

Want me?

I’m everywhere. I’m sex.

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Beach Woman SilhouetteWe live in a culture wallpapered with sexual imagery. Images of sex are more wide spread than the panting and writhing pink pixels on a digital screen. Sexualised images appear on billboards, t-shirts, in magazines, on makeup counters, on backpacks, on baseball caps and even on the mudflaps of trucks. I’m not suggesting that all of this imagery is offensive, but simply that it is there. Sex is, in our culture, everywhere.

The Canberra Times 17 Apr 2013

Read more: Want Me?

Will We Ever Find a Cure for Stupidity?

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brain scanScience news dominated the media last week or managed, at least, an attention-seeking feline snarl in a Schrodinger’s Cat Scenario, which is, to anyone other than a smart arse of scientific bent, simply a paradox. President Obama announced major funding for neuroscientists to map the human brain. At the same time New Scientist ran a comprehensive article, which should have been titled ‘Why are we so stupid?’ but was tagged ‘Stupid is as Stupid does’. Suddenly, I got excited. Wouldn’t it be mind-blowing if those neuro-geeks could locate ‘stupid’ in the human brain!

The Canberra Times 10 Apr 2013. Read more here: Will We Ever Find a Cure for Stupidity_?

What Next for the Whatever Generations?

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Illustration: Caroline Adaszynski

Illustration: Caroline Adaszynski

Today we’re going to have a little lesson in ethics. The problem with ethical choices today is that there are so many shades of grey we get lost in the fog. This is especially true of the generations dubbed Gen-X and Gen-Y. These generations were born into an era when our culture was diversifying – hallelujah! Pass the spicy chicken laska – to include gay, lesbian, feminist, indigenous, ethnic, religious, disabled and other rights and when conservative community values were poleaxed by political activism, the sex, drugs and rock’n’roll culture, mass media and mass marketing. Any adult under, say, 50 years of age, whether they like it or not, belongs to Gen-X or Gen-Y. I prefer to call them the Whatever Generations because, faced with a simple ”Do you want Maccas or pizza?” or even complex ethical choices, they shrug their shoulders and say, ”whatever”!

Read more @ The Canberra Times 27 MAR 2013: What Next for the Whatever Generations?

A party for the ages

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Picture 2Vote for SALPP, the Solve All Life’s Problems Party. Do you get distressed when you can’t remember which pin number belongs with which credit card? Do you get frustrated when you find yourself hovering in front of your kitchen bins unsure if the item you’re holding should go in the recycle or rubbish bin? Do you get really angry when your Wi-Fi drops out because you own a dodgy router? If you answered ”yes!” to any of these questions, then I have the political party for you.

Yes, indeedy. And if you get really irritated by people who mangle the English language by bastardising proper words to chortle ”indeedy” or sprout idiotic acronyms like ”LOL” then we can solve that problem for you, too. Yes! The SALP Party is a new force on the political scene. Just when you were too afraid to go back into the polling booth in case you screamed with rage at the mere sight of the major party candidates’ names or slumped into an instant boredom-induced coma and ended up in a chaotic tangle of polling booth cardboard, a new party has emerged to give you hope, faith and free stuff. Yes! We at the Solve All Life’s Problems Party, or SALPP, have policies designed just for you. Our motto is: SALPP is on the Way.

Read more @ The Canberra Times 20 Mar 2013: A party for the ages