Category Archives: Articles

Stop Pinging at Me!

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I appear to be failing modern life. My first surreal, Clockwork-Orange-tinged experience began a while back when I entered the kitchen and casually commented “Oh! Something is pinging!’ Having a modern kitchen meant there were a number of contenders.

I checked the fridge, the microwave, the oven timer and the remote phone hand-pieces. They all appeared to be in full working order but the pinging remained. Next I inspected the smoke alarms, the digital alarm clocks and our 4 mobile phones for flat batteries. Mobile phones tend to ‘chirp’ rather than ‘ping’, but desperation was building; I began to twitch. Nothing.  The drier, the washing machine, the computers, the fax, the radio, the CD player all turned up a blank. At this point, I started having conversations with appliances. ‘I know it is one of you. You’re not going to get away with this, you know!!!’

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The Idiot’s Guide to Banking

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I’ve made a decision. The time is right. You may think I’m being a little impulsive, but I’ve made up my mind. I’m going to buy a bank. The reasons for buying a bank are obvious. Firstly, they’re very cheap at the moment. You can probably pick up a middle-sized bank on eBay with a lovely portrait of the Madonna and child burnt onto toast thrown in at no extra charge. And the thing is, my current bank has been so eager over the past few years to extend my credit limit; I think I could actually afford to buy a smallish bank on my VISA card.

The next reason for wanting to buy a bank is the prestige. Let’s face it, in all of those Occupations-You-Trust Surveys journalists usually rank somewhere between nightclub bouncers and Charles Manson. From now on, at dinner parties and the like, instead of admitting to being a journalist and therefore responsible for the decline of Western civilisation, general morality, community values, grammar, spelling and IQs everywhere, I can say ‘I own a bank’.

Full Article: The Idiots Guide to Banking

Super iPhoneman

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Look up in the sky. It’s a bird. It’s a Plane. It’s Super iPhoneman! You may think those fanatics, who were crazy enough to camp outside shops overnight in winter so they could get their hands on the first iPhones available in Australia, are super geeks. But this is not true. They are the superheroes of the new millennium. All right, Super iPhoneman may not be able to fly unaided, but you will find your friendly, neighbourhood super iPhoneman is nearby, ready, willing and able to fight for truth, justice and other stuff as long as it involves a really cool mobile phone with amazing functions. Oh Yes, Super iPhoneman is about to save the world.

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It’s Over, Paul!

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You can’t stop me. I’ve thought about it and its over. I’m going to divorce Paul McCartney. It’s been a long term relationship. Me and Paul go way back. When The Beatles first stepped off the plane onto the tarmac in Australia it was love at first sight. It had to be by sight because I couldn’t hear a thing as my friend Lynette spent the entire broadcast screaming at the black and white tellie. We were both in Year 8. She loved Ringo.

But it’s over with me and Paul. I’m talking about the end of a 44 year relationship. That’s a better track record than some of his other relationships. It was intense too. I had all the Beatles Albums. They were in my head, actually, because we couldn’t afford records. I can hum the entire Beatles collection. You try and hum Maxwell Silver Hammer. It’s not easy. I was so dedicated to Paul I was even prepared, if I had twins, to name them Ebony and Ivory. Now that we’re breaking up I think I deserve something. I wouldn’t ask for much, maybe, a masseuse for my dog and a small Lear Jet. There will not be custody issues. I’ll return those bootleg videos of The Beatles recorded live, obviously, by a drunk in a swivel chair.

Full Article: It’s Over Paul

They Call It the Stock Market because They Behave like Sheep

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The current stock market crash resulted, say analysts, from the interplay between the Bull and Bear markets, the sub-prime crisis in America and the slowing down of growth in the global economy. All true, I guess. But the simple explanation for the stock market crash is that investors behave like sheep.

A few years ago some brave mathematicians at the Mediterranean Institute for Advanced Study in Mallorca used mathematical models of flocking behaviour to show that investors behave like sheep. But you don’t need mathematicians to verify the sheep-like behaviour of investors. It’s bleating obvious!

Everyday you hear, tagged onto the end of the radio or TV news, that some stock market index that sounds like the Nasquack has risen three points, that the Hang Long has suffered its greatest fall since 2pm yesterday or that the Footski has gone capute-ski. You don’t have to be an expert to realise that the stock market has more ups and downs than a leading zip fastener in Desperate Housewives.

Full Article: They Call It the Stock Market

Stone the Crows

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This is a story of suburban survival. It involves drugs, vandalism, alcohol and a neighbourhood under siege. This sorry saga began several months ago in my quiet tree-lined street. So quiet is this neighbourhood, the kids have accused me of dragging them to live in a suburb that could double as a morgue weekdays. Local entertainment reaches its frenzied peak on the weekend when everyone pushes out their wheelie bins.

Even in this suburban backwater, we’d experienced some vandalism over the years. A bent car aerial here. A nicked wheelbarrow there. Neighbourhood Watch works in my street. There’s nothing else to do, I guess. We’ve caught a burglar. I saw this guy in a tracksuit and did nothing. I probably waved. Idjut! He was, in burglar speak, casing the joint. Another more alert citizen saw him walking out of a neighbour’s house carrying a TV. She called the police. And they nabbed him.

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Yummy Mummy

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Having a baby can be a stressful time, but the pressure on pregnant women today is ridiculous. It is more or less expected that a girl will have a perfect orgasm followed by a perfect pregnancy and a perfect birth to produce the perfect child. As if that is not enough of a burden, now a girl must also look drop dead gorgeous while she is doing it. This is the era of the totally glam mum known as the yummy mummy.

Previous generations of Aussie women were not expected to be sexy, pert and pouting when pregnant. Back, way back in the fifties and sixties, my mother’s generation of young Aussie women had their problems. Their only career options were housewife and mother. But in there were comfort zones built into the womanhood package.

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Captain Hook and the History of Oz

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The federal, state and territory ministers of education are about to release a report showing Australian teenagers have little knowledge of Australian History. The following essay on the History of Australia by Ashlee M, Year 8, Coolathanu High is believed to be included in the report.

Australia is a large incontinent which lies in the Specific Ocean except for Tasmania which doesn’t know where it is. Australia is very hot because the Topic of Popracorn is in Queensland somewhere, which means Queenslanders are sweaty and can grow topical plants in their ears. But the most important topic is the topic of Cancer because if youse get sunburnt, Omigod, ya gonna die.

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Adopt-a-celebrity

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It’s time I did something, you know, for the good of the world, but what? First I thought I’d adopt-a-highway. I could visit it and take care of it. But you don’t get much of a warm glow from helping a lump of tarmac. Then I thought I would adopt-an-endangered-species. It would have to be a cute one. There’d be no satisfaction in putting a picture of an Intestinal Tapeworm on the fridge door. Then a little light bulb lit up in my head. Suddenly I knew how I would save the world. I’d adopt-a-celebrity! Celebrities are always helping others. But who helps celebrities when they’re in trouble? And there are many celebrities in real need.

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Fat Wombat

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If you choose to accept this mission, dear reader, you must memorise this article then eat it for I am about to reveal Top Secret Information. And it must not fall into the hot and sweaty palms of the enemy.

First you must choose a Code Name as all covert operatives have a code name and they sound really cool. Unfortunately, 007 has been taken along with Agent 99, the Avengers, Austin Powers and Pussy Galore. But for the purpose of this briefing, I shall call you The Fat Wombat.

Your mission Fat Wombat is to keep a cool head this summer while all about you are losing their faculties and generally whinging non-stop about the heat. You know what Aussies are like in summer. Now in your covert operatives handbook you will notice the symptoms of heat exhaustion include nausea, disorientation, slurred speech, confusion, elevated body temperature (Well, duh!) and inappropriate behaviour. Tragically, half the population of Australia show serious signs of heat exhaustion every summer. Or they’re drunk. Who would know?

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