I’ve made a decision. The time is right. You may think I’m being a little impulsive, but I’ve made up my mind. I’m going to buy a bank. The reasons for buying a bank are obvious. Firstly, they’re very cheap at the moment. You can probably pick up a middle-sized bank on eBay with a lovely portrait of the Madonna and child burnt onto toast thrown in at no extra charge. And the thing is, my current bank has been so eager over the past few years to extend my credit limit; I think I could actually afford to buy a smallish bank on my VISA card.
The next reason for wanting to buy a bank is the prestige. Let’s face it, in all of those Occupations-You-Trust Surveys journalists usually rank somewhere between nightclub bouncers and Charles Manson. From now on, at dinner parties and the like, instead of admitting to being a journalist and therefore responsible for the decline of Western civilisation, general morality, community values, grammar, spelling and IQs everywhere, I can say ‘I own a bank’.
Look up in the sky. It’s a bird. It’s a Plane. It’s Super iPhoneman! You may think those fanatics, who were crazy enough to camp outside shops overnight in winter so they could get their hands on the first iPhones available in Australia, are super geeks. But this is not true. They are the superheroes of the new millennium. All right, Super iPhoneman may not be able to fly unaided, but you will find your friendly, neighbourhood super iPhoneman is nearby, ready, willing and able to fight for truth, justice and other stuff as long as it involves a really cool mobile phone with amazing functions. Oh Yes, Super iPhoneman is about to save the world.
The current stock market crash resulted, say analysts, from the interplay between the Bull and Bear markets, the sub-prime crisis in America and the slowing down of growth in the global economy. All true, I guess. But the simple explanation for the stock market crash is that investors behave like sheep.
A few years ago some brave mathematicians at the Mediterranean Institute for Advanced Study in Mallorca used mathematical models of flocking behaviour to show that investors behave like sheep. But you don’t need mathematicians to verify the sheep-like behaviour of investors. It’s bleating obvious!
Everyday you hear, tagged onto the end of the radio or TV news, that some stock market index that sounds like the Nasquack has risen three points, that the Hang Long has suffered its greatest fall since 2pm yesterday or that the Footski has gone capute-ski. You don’t have to be an expert to realise that the stock market has more ups and downs than a leading zip fastener in Desperate Housewives.