Gentlemen, gather round. I have some good news. Everyone is worried about your health. You don’t get the longevity score on the board like us girls. But now they’ve finally found a group of men who live 17 years longer than the rest.

It’s such a simple thing, too. You don’t have to go all finicky and force those five pieces of fruit down your throat every day. You don’t have to throw away the remote control, pull on some hideous Lycra kit and get hot and sweaty. You don’t have to swear off the bottle, pick up a tambourine and renounce your former life of drunken debauchery or even moderate merriment. It’s brilliant, really. The study, recently cited in the New Scientist, found the group that, on average, lives 17 years longer than other men is eunuchs.

So I have to ask you, gentlemen, have you considered the neuter option? The government is always worried about men’s health. They’ve run all sorts of good health promotions in the past. You probably remember the slogans. We’ve had, ah, ”Life Be in It” and ”Slip Slop Slap”. I can just picture the slogan for the new campaign. ”Snip Snip for the Longer Trip”.

It would be so easy. If the government’s Snip Snip for the Longer Trip program was well subscribed, I can foresee a few minor technical difficulties. On the plus side, there’d be no more ears bitten off in NFL finals. The lads would run out onto the field and, probably, sit down and brush each other’s hair. And each team could have their own Vienna Boys Choir to sing at the grand final. On the down side, women would have to open their own jars and change their own flat tyres.