Our fab team – Mikalea, Tracey and myself – destroyed the male competion in the COMIC DEBATE:

‘If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman’

Maggie Thatcher

We took the negative to force the ‘boys’ – if you can call aging barristers, boys – to try and prove ‘if you want something done ask a woman’.

We killed them. I was the first speaker. Here is my oppening address.

Ladies and Gentleman   ………… and Members of the Melbourne Club,

We will argue empathically that:

if you want something SAID DO NOT ASK A MAN.

If you want something DONE DO NOT ASK A WOMAN.

I will use 3 irrefutable points to prove to you without a doubt that if you want something SAID DO NOT ASK A MAN:

1. THEY DON’T LISTEN
2. THEY ARE SOCIALLY INEPT
3. THEY ARE ON THE SPECTRUM

If you want something SAID DO NOT ASK A MAN.

Why? Firstly, because:

1. THEY DON’T LISTEN.

This is not simply our view. Research by Dr Joseph Lurito of Indiana University School of Medicine SHOWED

Using the latest fMRI technology that men only use ½ their brain to LISTEN.

And, as we all know, that 1/2 isn’t even in their HEAD.

One reason men don’t listen is because of their tiny little, nano-second ATTENTION SPAN.

I only have to state 4 words to prove my point: PEE IN THE BOWL.

Women have been saying this ever since Thomas Crapper first fiddled with the plumbing of the WC. This is over 100 YEARS of selective male deafness. When it comes to LEARNING to LISTEN, they should be wearing L-Plates … until they earn their P—PLATES.

BUT the MAIN reason why men don’t LISTEN is, simply, that they can only think of ONE thing at a time.

HIS HALF BRAIN except for one flickering neuron behind his left ear –

• is totally consumed by one thought and one thought alone;

THE SIZE OF HIS …. PHONE.

Once there was a race to downsize phones. Men’s phones became littler and littler … unbelievable words could be head in the corridors of power namely:

MINE’S SMALLER … more compact   … with more functions

It was a metaphorically confusing time when a man’s extended ego was shorter than his penis. But now the natural order has returned. All is good and right in the universe. Phones are MASSIVE.

A man – using the half of his brain not located in his head – can say with confidence ‘MINE’S BIGGER” His ego is secure. He loves his extended ego/Phone, but he can’t stop fiddling with it. If any man here has his hands under the table, you know what he’s doing!

But he won’t LISTEN …. Even if you are lying in bed with him. Unless you TEXT him to ‘stop snoring’ because he won’t listen but he can still read!!!

Secondly, if you want something said don’t ask a man because:

2. They are SOCIALLY INEPT.

You see this in social setting all the time where a man gets THAT LOOK from his partner and HE says, totally, perplexed:

‘What’d I do?’

‘If my MOTHER walks into the kitchen and asks ‘ Where do you keep the broom?

Don’t ask: DO YOU WANT TO SWEEP WITH IT OR RIDE IT HOME?’

Insensitive?   Clueless?    YES! Men in social settings are often VERY CONFUSED.

LOOK AT the ESTEEMED OPPOSITION. They are looking very confused THIS very minute. You cannot trust him to say something socially sensible or sensitive or, even , SANE:

There are 3 words that support my argument. PICK UP LINES:

– (To a girl with a big bossom) Are those real?

       OR

-(To a girl named Wilma)They call me Fred Flintstone because I can make THE Bed Rock!

     OR

– (To a girl in a mini skirt) Can I buy you a drink or would you prefer the 10 bucks?

Finally, if you want something said DO NOT ASK A MAN because:

3. They are all on the SPECTRUM.

I’m not making this up. Professor Steven Lawrie, Head of Psychiatry at Edinburgh University said that research shows that men’s brains have to work harder when making social decisions. BECAUSE they suffer from a range of autism-linked conditions. OH YES! They … all of them … are on the SPECTRUM. Down this end. All together. Along with: HITLER, GENHGIS KHAN,  DONALD TRUMP

Pick a man to say something. How about

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER?

I quote: “I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.”

It’s possible. Gay men would just have to marry Lesbians!

Men should only be allowed to open their mouths to EAT, Drink And GARGLE

And drinking is a problem!!!!! Yes! They are 12 steps away from saying something really stupid like:

‘I know you’re my best friend ,but I have to tell you,

I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER.

Shut up Dad, you ‘re drunk!

Ladies and Gentlemen …. and Members of the Melbourne Club.

Not only are MEN ON THE SPECTRUM’

THEY struggle with language and are prone to problems such as dyslexia.

* Did you hear the joke about three men who walked into a BRA.

*OM DOG. Did I say that?

Meanwhile, Dr Sally Shaywitz, of Yale University’s School of Medicine:

Yes! The prestigious university YALE ….Y ..A ..L .. E

Or as some men due to their DYSLEXIA are now thinking: the prestigious L .. A.. Y..

Dr Sally found that:

* Women excel at verbal speed. We not only listen, we say more!!!

*men do better at imaging what an object would look like rotated … in bed.

In conclusion I put to you that if you want something SAID DO NOT ASK A MAN because:

-he only listens with ½ his brain …. Not located in his head.

– his brain is occupied by the size of his … phone

– and he doesn’t know if his university of choice is prestigious YALE or a good LAY.

If you want something said

I implore you

I beg of you

DON’T ASK A MAN!!!!!!!