The First Rule of Book Club. The sex discussed in Book Club stays in Book Club.

Sex  sells  books. And I’ve made a study  of  the  sex  that  sells books. There are two types. Firstly,  there  are  the  Boys’   Own   Adventure   Stories.  In  these  Blockbuster  books  with embossed  gold  author’s  name  above  the title, a name which should leap out at you in the airport bookshop shouting ‘buy me, I’m a big, ballsy, blockbuster adventure book. Sshhhhhh!’ That is  the  sound  of  testosterone  eminating  from  the  hero’s  armpits. These  books  are generally written by blokes for blokes and  offer a peep show view of a well-packaged Male Sex Fantasy.  In  a  Boys’  Own  Adventure  Blockbuster  our  hero  has  sensational  sex  on the second page with, perhaps, a stunningly beautiful nurse in a bi-plane over the trenches in  France  in the  First  World  War to  the  accompaniment of a battlefield soundtrack. The  sex  takes  one paragraph before he ressumes his  testostrone-feuled  life -threatening  but heroic adventure, which  continues  at  a  clipping  pace  until  his  next  rapid-fire  sexual encounter, probably with a besotted milk-maid in a barn near where his bi-plane recently crashed. This could istart with a hand job. Those milk maids do have rare talents.

Meanwhile, in the  Girls’  Own  Romance  Novel,  aimed obviously at the chic-lit aficionado, the Female Sex Fantasy ambles aimlessly over many pages. Our  hero  and heroine meet in the first chapter and  are  then  tragically  separated  for  the  next  17 chapters. They finally meet  again  in  chapter 18, declare  their  true  love  and  have  sex in  an historical setting, perhaps  in  an  old  castle  that  our  hero, The Earl of Essex,  recently  inherited among his many estates. But they don’t  just  jump  onto  each  other’s bones. The  sexual  tension must build until the air is  fraught  with  anticipation. There  will  be  a  small  break  in the middle of Chapter 18 for  a  sensual  meal  with  flowing wine, furtive  glances and a searing accidental  contact  of,  say,  his  finger  tips  brushing  her, um,  wrist. When  the  shagging  finally takes place  it  will  be  in  an  historical  four-poster bed and the process from the first kiss to the Halluhejah chorus will take an entire chapter.

This  is,  of course, my  take  on  the genres. But I am grateful to Judith Newman for throwing more light on Male vs Female literary sexual fantasies. In her article, Dear Book Club: It’s You, Not Me  (MAY 11, 2017)  in  the  New  York  Times, she  told  the story of one couples Book Club that  came  to  grief  following  a  discussion  of  the  sex in Cormac McCarthy’s  “All the Pretty Horses.”  According to book club member Elizabeth St. Clair, a lawyer, “the main character is staying in a bunkhouse, and over the course of several nights a gorgeous strange woman comes to his bed and has sex with him. The men  in  the  group  thought  this  was the most romantic thing ever — dark, anonymous sex with no consequences.” The men in the book club thought this was a very romantic scenario.

The women just roared laughing. ‘Guffawing’  was  the  term  used. No woman, they argued, would turn up to have anonymous sex in the dark with a man they couldn’t see. Was he old? Was he diseased? Does  he smell? Was  he a psychopath? Moreover,  he  was  in  a  remote cabin, in a bunk bed. Are you joking? This  is  not going to happen. Apparently, the men were offended.  Arguments  ensued. St Clair  suggested  this  set  the  seed  for  the  end  of  her relationship.

So there it is. Enjoy  reading  your  blockbuster  novel.  But  try  to  remember the first Rule of Book Club. The sex discussed in Book Club, stays  in  Book  Club. Or you might find yourself very lonely tonight.

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We win the sex war!! ha-ha-ha!

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Our fab team – Mikalea, Tracey and myself – destroyed the male competion in the COMIC DEBATE:

‘If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman’

Maggie Thatcher

St-Helena-Margaret-ThatcherWe took the negative to force the ‘boys’ – if you can call aging barristers, boys – to try and prove ‘if you want something done ask a woman’.

We killed them. I was the first speaker. Here is my oppening address.

Ladies and Gentleman   ………… and Members of the Melbourne Club,

We will argue empathically that:

if you want something SAID DO NOT ASK A MAN.

If you want something DONE DO NOT ASK A WOMAN.

I will use 3 irrefutable points to prove to you without a doubt that if you want something SAID DO NOT ASK A MAN:

  1. THEY DON’T LISTEN
  2. THEY ARE SOCIALLY INEPT
  3. THEY ARE ON THE SPECTRUM

 

If you want something SAID DO NOT ASK A MAN.

Why? Firstly, because:

pic 21. THEY DON’T LISTEN.

This is not simply our view. Research by Dr Joseph Lurito of Indiana University School of Medicine SHOWED

Using the latest fMRI technology that men only use ½ their brain to LISTEN.

And, as we all know, that 1/2 isn’t even in their HEAD.

One reason men don’t listen is because of their tiny little, nano-second ATTENTION SPAN.

I only have to state 4 words to prove my point: PEE IN THE BOWL. pic 4

Women have been saying this ever since Thomas Crapper first fiddled with the plumbing of the WC. This is over 100 YEARS of selective male deafness. When it comes to LEARNING to LISTEN, they should be wearing L-Plates … until they earn their P—PLATES.

BUT the MAIN reason why men don’t LISTEN is, simply, that they can only think of ONE thing at a time.

HIS HALF BRAIN except for one flickering neuron behind his left ear –

  • is totally consumed by one thought and one thought alone;

THE SIZE OF HIS …. PHONE.

Once there was a race to downsize phones. Men’s phones became littler and littler … unbelievable words could be head in the corridors of power namely:

MINE’S SMALLER … more compact   … with more functions

It was a metaphorically confusing time when a man’s extended ego was shorter than his penis. But now the natural order has returned. All is good and right in the universe. Phones are MASSIVE.

A man – using the half of his brain not located in his head – can say with confidence ‘MINE’S BIGGER” His ego is secure. He loves his extended ego/Phone, but he can’t stop fiddling with it. If any man here has his hands under the table, you know what he’s doing!

But he won’t LISTEN …. Even if you are lying in bed with him. Unless you TEXT him to ‘stop snoring’ because he won’t listen but he can still read!!!

Secondly, if you want something said don’t ask a man because:

pic 3

2. They are SOCIALLY INEPT.

You see this in social setting all the time where a man gets THAT LOOK from his partner and HE says, totally, perplexed:

‘What’d I do?’

‘If my MOTHER walks into the kitchen and asks ‘ Where do you keep the broom?

Don’t ask: DO YOU WANT TO SWEEP WITH IT OR RIDE IT HOME?’

Insensitive?   Clueless?    YES! Men in social settings are often VERY CONFUSED.

LOOK AT the ESTEEMED OPPOSITION. They are looking very confused THIS very minute. You cannot trust him to say something socially sensible or sensitive or, even , SANE:

There are 3 words that support my argument. PICK UP LINES:

– (To a girl with a big bossom) Are those real?

       OR

-(To a girl named Wilma)They call me Fred Flintstone because I can make THE Bed Rock!

     OR

– (To a girl in a mini skirt) Can I buy you a drink or would you prefer the 10 bucks?

Finally, if you want something said DO NOT ASK A MAN because:

3. They are all on the SPECTRUM.

I’m not making this up. Professor Steven Lawrie, Head of Psychiatry at Edinburgh University said that research shows that men’s brains have to work harder when making social decisions. BECAUSE they suffer from a range of autism-linked conditions. OH YES! They … all of them … are on the SPECTRUM. Down this end. All together. Along with: HITLER, GENHGIS KHAN,  DONALD TRUMP

Pick a man to say something. How about

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER?

I quote: “I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.”

It’s possible. Gay men would just have to marry Lesbians!

Men should only be allowed to open their mouths to EAT, Drink And GARGLE

And drinking is a problem!!!!! Yes! They are 12 steps away from saying something really stupid like:

‘I know you’re my best friend ,but I have to tell you,

I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER.

Shut up Dad, you ‘re drunk!

Ladies and Gentlemen …. and Members of the Melbourne Club.

Not only are MEN ON THE SPECTRUM’

THEY struggle with language and are prone to problems such as dyslexia.

* Did you hear the joke about three men who walked into a BRA.

*OM DOG. Did I say that?

Meanwhile, Dr Sally Shaywitz, of Yale University’s School of Medicine:

Yes! The prestigious university YALE ….Y ..A ..L .. E

Or as some men due to their DYSLEXIA are now thinking: the prestigious L .. A.. Y..

Dr Sally found that:

* Women excel at verbal speed. We not only listen, we say more!!!

*men do better at imaging what an object would look like rotated … in bed.

In conclusion I put to you that if you want something SAID DO NOT ASK A MAN because:

-he only listens with ½ his brain …. Not located in his head.

– his brain is occupied by the size of his … phone

– and he doesn’t know if his university of choice is prestigious YALE or a good LAY.

If you want something said

I implore you

I beg of you

DON’T ASK A MAN!!!!!!!