Tag Archives: Kerry Cue Humour

Holy App

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You have probably heard about the new blessed iPhone/Smart Phone App called ‘Confession: A Roman Catholic App’. Developed by three young US tech-heads with the blessing of the local church, the App provides a step-by-step guide to confession for Catholics. The age-specific, sin check list includes questions like ‘Did I tattle tale or sulk?’, ‘Am I chaste?’ (That’s a little olde worlde. Young readers will have to Google ‘chaste’. It’s not chased or chaffed.), ‘Have I been guilty of masturbation?’ and  ‘Have I been guilty of a homosexual activity?’ So it’s a user-friendly Sin App for the time-pressed sinner.

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Psycho Oz

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Australians all let us freak out

For we are spooked you see;

We’ve a scary land, we don’t understand;

Our home is so creepy. Our land’s red heart is sort of weird

There’s freaking nothing there!

We cling to the coast, a British outpost;

Freak out Australia, yeah!

How is it that yet another national disaster has hit us and we are, yet again, shocked, stunned (like a mullet, I guess), and wandering around in dazed disbelief? What is it about our short-term/long-term memory loss that we have forgotten, willfully or accidentally, that it has all happened before? Is this, perhaps, some form of widespread Aussie Alzheimer’s?

Moreover, what is it about our market-driven, managerial-cliché muttering mentality and our spin-swallowing, nanny-state, needy attitudes today that we think we are in control? Have we learned nothing from inhabiting this wide brown and savage land for 200-plus years or, in some cases, 40,000-plus years? We Aussies are cot cases. Honestly.

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Cricket Explained

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Cricket tends to cause great confusion among novice spectators, recovering alcoholics and Americans. It is, after all, a game where grown men stand around for days looking bored with no balls or madly hug and kiss each other following a duck. As a consequence, I have taken it upon myself to explain cricket to those who wouldn’t know a gibbon from a googly.

The game of cricket came from that part of the world that also gave us golf, chess and Morris Dancing. Those who do not have the patience for golf, the lunatic grin of a Morris Dancer but who drink to much beer for chess play cricket. Players need good hand-eye co-ordination and a mum who knits white, woolly vests.

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The Bimbo Nation of Oz

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This is like ….look …. This is a very difficult matter to address. It’s outrageous. It’s shocking. We – that’s each and every one of us in this Great Brown or, maybe Ochre or Burnt Orange Land Whatever. – every one of us in this Great Orangeish Land has been heinously insulted. Some jumped-up, half-baked, self-righteous, smart-Rs of an expert has called Australia ‘The Dumb Blonde of the World’.

How could he do this to us just when we Aussies are making our way confidently in the world? We know who we are! Of course, we do. We are ‘The Drunken Yobs of the World’. Anywhere you go on or off this planet where there is a sporting event, a running of the bulls, a naked bungy jump or just two flies crawling up a wall, you will find an Aussie in thongs, shorts, and optional t-shirt with, possibly, a yellow-painted face and curly green wig, holding a stubbie and yelling ‘Aussie. Aussie. Aussie. Oi. Oi. Oi.’

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Welcome to Bugga Up Air Flight 179!!

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Good Morning Ladies and Gentlemen, Bugga Up Air Flight 179 to, um, that place … What is it? Wait. I’ve got it here somewhere, written on the back of an envelope. Here it is. Flight 179 to Syderney. Soderney. Whatever. Yous all know ‘cos yous booked online. Nothin’ to do with me.

Anyhows, Ladies and Gentlemen, your flight to. Wait. My colleague, Toolulaba, tells me Flight 179 is to Melbun. By Melbun, we at Bugga Up Air mean an airport near Melbun, say, only 200 km away from the GPO for your convenience. You can buy a bus timetable from any of our helpful ground staff for $15. Now as yous have all booked online for one of our direct express, cut-price, low-fee, off peak, unbundled, lease-a-plane, rent-a-crew, outsource-an-IT-guy, scab-some-maintenance-guys cut-cost carrier with work experience cabin staff, drug-recovery-program baggage handlers and an Afghani trainee pilot, we need to go over some of the in-flight features before yous board the plane.

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How to Win a Nobel Prize in Economic Theory

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Today, boys and girls, we are going to have a lesson in Economic Theory. Even if you haven’t studied Keynes, Hayek or Economic Theory for Idiotsand you are generally clueless about how the economy works, do not feel discouraged. These are the exact qualifications needed to write a book on Economic Theory and/or win a Nobel Prize in Economics.

Before you race out and buy your white tie and tails for the Nobel Prize ceremony, we ought to, perhaps, cover some of the basics of Economic Theory so you have some thoughts to string together for your acceptance speech. We will begin with budget estimates. Think of a number between 1 and 10. Don’t laugh; this is serious. Now multiply this number by one trillion and you have just calculated the USA National Debt, China’s monthly surplus or the number of hits on Britney Spears website. As you can see you will get a handle on this Economic Theory business in no time at all.

Full Article: How to Win a Nobel Prize in Economic Theory

OMIGOD IAMGOD

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This week I’m God. It seems we have been struck with alarming bouts of biblical weather, of late, and many claim these tempestuous events are some sort of sign from above. As I am God (or to be precise I am Acting God Level 3) it is my duty to bring clarity to this situation.

How I came to be God is interesting. I read the ad seeking an enthusiastic, committed and self-motivated individual or deity ready to employ their powers of omnipotence to introduce a program of universal harmony and co-operation and I thought ‘That’s for me’. So I applied for the position of Team Leader of the Asset Management Group, Universe Administration Office, Job Reference No. 0000003, temporary and, to my surprise, I got it.

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A Tribute to Fathers

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Fatherhood is a complex job. These days a father is meant to be a psychologist, a literacy and numeracy expert, the birth support team leader, the weekend fun guy, the custodian of sports team allegiances, DIY almost-everything handy man, the kid-money accountant, the Human Google Service, the local CSI unit (Who ate the last chocolate?), the Lost Computer File Recovery Unit, the Home Theatre hardware expert, the back of the toy box instruction reader, the All-Sports Sports coach, the driving instructor, the First Aide Expert, the mum calmer, the resident surf life saver, the 24/7 On-Call Homework tutor, the BBQ King, the referee, the Stop Whinging Enforcer, the gopher (especially of medicine in the middle of the night), the Piggyback Guy, the camp guru, the resident furniture mover/removalist, the all round navigator/driver, the Cheer Up Squad after the Grand Final/Audition/Competition loss/failure, the (swear word free-ish) IKEA flat pack assembler, the cycle team transport/manager, the local faction of WWF, the second hand car expert and/or financier and much, much more.

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Alyss in Wonderland

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The children’s literary classic, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, has been given a makeover. In a rather frightening marriage of Hollywood hype and macho bravado former stunt man Frank Beddor has rewritten the Lewis Carroll classic to make it more appealing to boys. Frank does know something about the gross-out art of making stories appeal to boys. He was co-producer of the blockbuster movie There’s Something about Mary.

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