Tag Archives: Kerry Cue Canberra Times

They Call It the Stock Market because They Behave like Sheep

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The current stock market crash resulted, say analysts, from the interplay between the Bull and Bear markets, the sub-prime crisis in America and the slowing down of growth in the global economy. All true, I guess. But the simple explanation for the stock market crash is that investors behave like sheep.

A few years ago some brave mathematicians at the Mediterranean Institute for Advanced Study in Mallorca used mathematical models of flocking behaviour to show that investors behave like sheep. But you don’t need mathematicians to verify the sheep-like behaviour of investors. It’s bleating obvious!

Everyday you hear, tagged onto the end of the radio or TV news, that some stock market index that sounds like the Nasquack has risen three points, that the Hang Long has suffered its greatest fall since 2pm yesterday or that the Footski has gone capute-ski. You don’t have to be an expert to realise that the stock market has more ups and downs than a leading zip fastener in Desperate Housewives.

Full Article: They Call It the Stock Market

Stone the Crows

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This is a story of suburban survival. It involves drugs, vandalism, alcohol and a neighbourhood under siege. This sorry saga began several months ago in my quiet tree-lined street. So quiet is this neighbourhood, the kids have accused me of dragging them to live in a suburb that could double as a morgue weekdays. Local entertainment reaches its frenzied peak on the weekend when everyone pushes out their wheelie bins.

Even in this suburban backwater, we’d experienced some vandalism over the years. A bent car aerial here. A nicked wheelbarrow there. Neighbourhood Watch works in my street. There’s nothing else to do, I guess. We’ve caught a burglar. I saw this guy in a tracksuit and did nothing. I probably waved. Idjut! He was, in burglar speak, casing the joint. Another more alert citizen saw him walking out of a neighbour’s house carrying a TV. She called the police. And they nabbed him.

Full Article: Stone the Crows

Yummy Mummy

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Having a baby can be a stressful time, but the pressure on pregnant women today is ridiculous. It is more or less expected that a girl will have a perfect orgasm followed by a perfect pregnancy and a perfect birth to produce the perfect child. As if that is not enough of a burden, now a girl must also look drop dead gorgeous while she is doing it. This is the era of the totally glam mum known as the yummy mummy.

Previous generations of Aussie women were not expected to be sexy, pert and pouting when pregnant. Back, way back in the fifties and sixties, my mother’s generation of young Aussie women had their problems. Their only career options were housewife and mother. But in there were comfort zones built into the womanhood package.

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Captain Hook and the History of Oz

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The federal, state and territory ministers of education are about to release a report showing Australian teenagers have little knowledge of Australian History. The following essay on the History of Australia by Ashlee M, Year 8, Coolathanu High is believed to be included in the report.

Australia is a large incontinent which lies in the Specific Ocean except for Tasmania which doesn’t know where it is. Australia is very hot because the Topic of Popracorn is in Queensland somewhere, which means Queenslanders are sweaty and can grow topical plants in their ears. But the most important topic is the topic of Cancer because if youse get sunburnt, Omigod, ya gonna die.

Full Article: Captain Hook and the History of Oz

Adopt-a-celebrity

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It’s time I did something, you know, for the good of the world, but what? First I thought I’d adopt-a-highway. I could visit it and take care of it. But you don’t get much of a warm glow from helping a lump of tarmac. Then I thought I would adopt-an-endangered-species. It would have to be a cute one. There’d be no satisfaction in putting a picture of an Intestinal Tapeworm on the fridge door. Then a little light bulb lit up in my head. Suddenly I knew how I would save the world. I’d adopt-a-celebrity! Celebrities are always helping others. But who helps celebrities when they’re in trouble? And there are many celebrities in real need.

Full Article: Adopt-a-Celebrity

Fat Wombat

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If you choose to accept this mission, dear reader, you must memorise this article then eat it for I am about to reveal Top Secret Information. And it must not fall into the hot and sweaty palms of the enemy.

First you must choose a Code Name as all covert operatives have a code name and they sound really cool. Unfortunately, 007 has been taken along with Agent 99, the Avengers, Austin Powers and Pussy Galore. But for the purpose of this briefing, I shall call you The Fat Wombat.

Your mission Fat Wombat is to keep a cool head this summer while all about you are losing their faculties and generally whinging non-stop about the heat. You know what Aussies are like in summer. Now in your covert operatives handbook you will notice the symptoms of heat exhaustion include nausea, disorientation, slurred speech, confusion, elevated body temperature (Well, duh!) and inappropriate behaviour. Tragically, half the population of Australia show serious signs of heat exhaustion every summer. Or they’re drunk. Who would know?

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My Kingdom for a Hangover Cure

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Scientists have a passionate interest in the chemistry of alcohol. This I discovered at a meet-the-lecturers function when I arrived at Melbourne Uni over 30 years ago. My Organic Chemistry lecturer, Dr Merewether with grey beard and monocle was drinking beer from a 500 ml beaker.

While the research students, who all looked like Buddy Holly in lab coats, mixed Screwdrivers using pure Ethanol procured from the adjoining lab. They insisted drinking pure ethanol avoided hangovers. This seemed increasingly unlikely as one lab coat clad lad after another proclaimed ‘Thiz evanol is good shtuff.’

The only other drinks on offer were beer and, of all things, sherry. I don’t drink beer. And you cannot get drunk on sherry. Or, at least, I can’t. After two glasses sherry begins to taste like sweetened battery acid. And you can’t force another drop down your throat.

Full Article: Hangovers

Tough Aussies

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We Aussies are tough, but not in a wrestling-crocodiles-and-opening-beer-bottles-with-our-teeth kind of way. We are tough because every summer we leave our suburban bunkers and venture into the Great Outdoors.

We might not venture far – no further than, say, the cement block barbie in the backyard. But still we risk our lives as Australia boasts some of the most venomous and/or irritating biting beasties in the world. And many live in our own backyards. As if we Aussies didn’t have enough worries already with our venomous snakes, spiders, fish, octopi and jellyfish, now we can add lizards to the list. Yes! Lizards. This year scientists at the Australian Venom Research Unit discovered many Aussie lizards have snake-like venom. It may not be enough to kill you. But a lizard bite could upset the rhythm of tossing the salad, for sure. So you need some up-dated First Aid advice.

Full Article: Tough Aussies

Men’s Health

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Men’s Health has been a big issue in 2005. According to the statistics most Aussie men are too fat, unfit and strangers to fruit. Governments around Australia are concerned. This year there have been men’s health conferences in every state, a major survey (Vic), a task force (SA) and an advisory network initiative (WA) all aimed at increasing life expectancy for blokes. But men won’t listen. Apparently. Why? I found the answer in a women’s magazine. As women read these magazines and live longer we must engage men in the type of thinking whereby poor exfoliation is a more serious issue than, say, invading Iraq. And if you did invade Iraq you would need a backpack of extreme skin products just to stabilise your complexion for the duration.

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Loony Science

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Good evening parents and welcome to this Information Night about our exciting new subject Everyone-Has-A-Say Science. In this Year 7 program we don’t just respect individual beliefs; we embrace them. And here are the fascinating topics your children will study this year:

Matter: Matter is made up of small particles called atoms. Atoms can combine to form big molecules like DNA and big crystals, which have mystical powers. Crystals bestow good fortune and can, obviously, help with homework.

Light: Light is a form of energy. Each colour of light has a different wavelength. A crystal with magical powers can split white light into different colours to form a rainbow. A rainbow is a sign of good luck or that it’s been raining. People’s heads can also split light into different colours. This is an aura. An aura is a person’s energy field. Red is for anger; while the flashing red aura means ‘Warning: I’m about to explode’.

Full Article: New Loony Science