It is hard to remember that in 2003 – post 9/11 – we were worried about terrorists. Public rubbish bins were removed or converted to clear plastic bags. We were told to be ALERT BUT NOT ALARMED. But were we? Read on. This article appeared in the Herald Sun (21 Feb 2003) and The Advertiser, SA (23 FEB 2003)

WARNING: If you read this article, you must memorise it, then eat it in the name of national security. I’ve just completed a covert anti-terrorist operation to see if Aussies are being ‘alert but not alarmed’. And I have much to report.

While holidaying by the sea I received a timely tip-off. The kid in the Harry Potter t-shirt told the kid with the Spider Man bodyboard that… Sorry. I can’t disclose this information. It’s top secret. But, suffice to say the words: anti-terrorist, training and ferry were involved. So, for you Dear Reader, I interrupted my holidays to take on this mission.  My Brief: Get stories. Time: Ten hundred. Location: Queenscliff. Destination: Sorrento/Portsea. Mode of transport: Ferry. Operation: Sun Factor 30 +. 

The word ‘terrorism’ would shock the good citizens of Queenscliff. The only public disturbance in this backwater involved a Cobb & Co coach horse backfiring three years ago. The Sorrento/Portsea side of the bay has a more chequered past. We misplaced a Prime Minister at Portsea. Moreover, some of the cleavages in the area are so well packed; one sneeze and they could explode any minute. So there is cause for concern.

I boarded the ferry cleverly disguised as a middle-aged female tourist in sunhat and sandals and immediately discovered I was no Mata Hari. Firstly, I was not willing to have sex with high-ranking officers from both sides. General Peter Cosgrove is cute in a cardigan-and-slippers way, but not my type. As for the other side, I don’t fancy a man in sheets. I wash enough sheets already. Meanwhile, a friend introduced me to this fit, tanned, young bloke in white t-shirt and sunglasses saying ‘Kerry, this is…… from the Special Operations Branch.’ I can’t tell you his name for the obvious reason that I can’t remember it. I was too excited. Back to spy school for me.

Once the ferry left its moorings the action quickly hotted up. The helicopter disappeared and returned to drop by rope three SAS troops in all-black assault fatigues onto the top deck of the moving ferry. Amazingly, none of us tourists were that surprised. We’ve seen action like this hundreds of times in films and on tellie. It was so familiar we almost expected Piece Brosnan to drop from the helicopter in a tuxedo and Halle Berry to scale the side of the ferry in a white bikini. It was disappointing that she didn’t.

But now I can tell you if Aussies are alert. We are. The first comment I heard was an 8-year-old kid yelling ‘Hey Dad. That’s the terrorist cops chopper. We saw it on a school excursion.’ 

Of the other 200 odd tourists, I heard comments like this: 

‘Should we be looking for Osama Bin Laden in flippers?’ 

‘That chopper makes a racket.’ ‘Wha?’ ‘The chopper is noisy.’ ‘Wha?’ ‘Oh! Forget it.’ 

‘Look. There. Navy Seals in a rubber dingy.’ ‘We don’t have Navy Seals. We’re not trained like those yanks. We’d have Navy..um.. Tadpoles’ 

‘What’s them mens doing , Daddy?’ ‘They’re practising to save people Luke’. 

The girls in the ferry canteen were really alert. ‘Oh my god. Those boys are so gorgeous. A man in a uniform does it to me every time’. The girls were contemplating throwing themselves overboard to be saved. But they had second thoughts. Their own crew might turn up to save them.

Are Aussies alarmed? No way. The couple pashing in the lounge for 45 minutes didn’t even notice the SWAT team. Ditto the doughnut king stuffing his face nearby. Meanwhile, the remaining tourists loved the whole shebang. Comments included ‘Don’t worry. Barry here can save us. He’s really secret agent 006 ¾..maybe…004 ½. Come to think of it, you better save yourself’. With cameras and videos blazing, the tourists took pictures of the three anti-terrorist team boardings. SWAT squad photos sure beat holiday snaps of seagulls. 

On the return trip I saw three more Special Op teams land. By the last trip the tourists were so excited they started waving. One of the SWAT team waved back. And smiled. 

So there it is. We Aussies are alert, but not alarmed. We’re positively cheerful about the whole business. Not only that, we have some cheerful – and simply gorgeous – anti-terrorist troops working on our behalf. This is how it should be. For the day we Aussies start to view every backpacker and every rubbish bin as a possible bomb threat is the day we lose our freedom and the day the terrorists win.