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About Kerry Cue

Humourist, journalist, mathematician and author

My First Day at School Ever

It is easy to forget how a 5 year old thinks. The world looks totally weird to a 5 year old. In 1997, when this article was first published, I received many letters from junior school teachers saying ‘Soooo true.’

kid going to schoolI wented to school today. ‘Cos I’m big. I have a big bag for school. My mum she put my lunch box in my bag and said ‘ Don’t forget to eat it.’ But I won’t eat my lunch box. That’s silly.

 I have a school hat. It’s big. It goes down to my nose. And I have to put my head back, right back, to see things.  And I falled over my bag. But you’ve gotta have to wear your hat because ‘otherwise you’re dead.’ That’s what my sister says. But the teacher’s they don’t wear hats. They’ll be dead soon.

 When we gotted to school my mum wouldn’t let go of my hand. Ami from my kinder was crying.  But I’m big. I can do big jumps. I can do wrestling. I can punch dragons. I can. My sister. She’s Grade Free. She says ya can’t punch dragons ‘cos they will barbecue you with one breath.  But you can punch dragons. When they’re asleep.

 My school is called St Hello Wishes. And it’s big. It’s more bigger than Africa. But my school hasn’t got lions because they eat people. But teachers think there is lions. Because that’s what the teacher says when you go to school. She says ‘Get in a lion boys and girls.’

Get in a Lion, Kids published Herald Sun (24 Jan 1997) and as The First Day of School, The Advertiser (SA 27 Jan 1997). Read full article: My First Day at School Ever

Also, for kids starting High School see: Sometimes It’s the Class Clown that Performs Well in Life

Oz Day: It’s a Looney Land for Me!

Australia is a scary place. Backpacker murderers, poisonous snakes, killer mozzies, big bloody bats dropping out of the sky, Danni Monogue and bad haircuts. 

From Charming and Colliding Blog

From Charming and Colliding Blog

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It is a cruel, harsh and unforgiving land. So have some respect. This Australia Day look up from your iPhone, turn off the tellie and take those earbuds out of your ears. You cannot afford to turn your back on this country for a minute.

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I love a psycho country

A land of badass plains

Of whacko mountain ranges

Sick droughts and random rains

I love her weird horizons

I love her aggro sea

Her tarty mad bitch manner

The looney land for me!

Pscho Oz published in The Canberra Times 26/1/2011. Read Full article here.

Guy Fawkes: O What a Night!

Picture 1

Why would children do this? There’s no simple answer. Nevertheless, most children today have no chance to ‘play’ with fire other than with devastating results.

But Remember, Remember the 5th of November? Once we had Cracker Night. It was banned over 40 years ago in Australia. Yet the singed hair and  burnt fingertips cured the dancing-flame-fascinations of many a young pyromaniac. 

My article on Cracker Night ends:

Kerry Cue Ratbag RelationsEvery time we try to make our children’s’ lives safer, we seem to create a duller world for them. Nothing, I believe, lights up young faces like the dancing sparks of fireworks. They put magic in the air. Children will never get the same glow from a TV screen, but they are safe, I guess.

Full article from Herald Sun and other publications:Guy Fawkes O What a Night

The child you never had …

A friend asked me to write something to confront the negativity in our culture to not having children whether intentionally or otherwise. This is the result. It is just one small window on a vast and complex issue – life.

The child you never had ... Kerry Cue

Book Extract

Here is an extract on the vagueness of relationships today from my new book: MeLand: 10 Ways Self-Obsession Makes You Stupid. 

Kerry Cue Book 1

The Agonising Search for a Swim Suit

Illus by Bronya, The Advertiser

Illus by Bronya, The Advertiser

This article has been doing the rounds as an anonymous chain e-mail for some years. Now that it is an amazing 20 years old, I thought it was time to claim it. Tragically, it is as  relevant today as when I wrote it. 

I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing costume. When I was a child in the fifties, the bathing costume for the woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure. Boned, trussed and reinforced these costumes were not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a damned good job.

Today’s stretch-fabric bathing suits are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure chipped out of marble. The woman with a mature figure has little to no choice. She can either front up at the maternity-wear department and try on floral costume with a skirt and come away looking like a hippopotamus that has recently escaped from Fantasia or she can wander around any run of the mill bathing suit department and try and make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluoro rubber bands.

This article appeared in the Herald Sun 11 Nov 1993, The Advertiser (SA) 18 Nov 1993, The Newcastle Herald Dec 1993. Read The Agonising Search for a Swim Suit.