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I wrote this article in 2005. Given the Anit-Vax, Anti-Science movement today especially in America, it seems more relevant now than ever. 

Good evening, parents, and welcome to this Information Night about our exciting new subject, DIY Science. In this Year 7 program we don’t just respect individual beliefs; we embrace them.

And here are the fascinating topics your children will study this year:

Matter: Matter is made up of small particles called atoms. Atoms can combine to form big molecules like DNA and big crystals, which have mystical powers. Crystals bestow good fortune and can, obviously, help with homework.

Light: Light is a form of energy. Each colour of light has a different wavelength. A crystal with magical powers can split white light into different colours to form a rainbow. A rainbow is a sign of good luck or that it’s been raining. People’s heads can also split light into different colours. This is an aura. An aura is a person’s energy field. Red is for anger; while the flashing red aura means ‘Warning: I’m about to explode’.

Evolution: The survival of the fittest theory of evolution explains how man descended from monkeys. This is not the only theory about the arrival of intelligent life on earth. There are those who believe intelligent beings came from outer space. These aliens left strange markings, built the pyramids and generally boosted our IQ levels, which weren’t much at the time. Others believe dolphins are the most intelligent beings on earth. We think they know something. But what?

Life Cycle: The life cycle of the frog involves the egg, the tadpole, the frog and, according to popular folklore, the frog prince. The lifecycle of people who believe in reincarnation involves gnats, crickets, frogs and finally a higher life form. A dolphin, perhaps. While the lifecycle of Shirley Maclaine has involved Roman slave girls and Cleopatra. It is not known what life form Shirley will assume in her next life, though from her current appearance, a frog seems on the cards.

Planets: Our solar system is made up of nine planets that orbit the sun. Everything runs smoothly day in, day out until Venus aligns with Mars and suddenly all the Geminis are out of their trees and the Leos start bossing everyone about. This makes life very difficult for science teachers. And when the ruling planet Venus makes its way through Scorpio there is romance in the air. Many parents run into old flames. But we don’t call them old flames in Science. We call them Bunsen Burners.

Motion: A body will remain at rest or in the state of uniform motion in a straight line unless acted on by an external force…or a psychic. Psychics have para-normal powers, which makes it easy for them to pass the salt during dinner.

Acids and Bases: Acids and bases combine to form salt and water. Vinegar is an acid. Ammonia is a base. Salt is the stuff you put on chips. But you shouldn’t have any of these because they are all chemicals and some people think chemicals are bad for you. Ammonia isn’t the best. Just drink water. Or live on air. Some think you can do this, but there are a few drawbacks. (See respiration.)

Respiration: We breathe oxygen. Oxygen is carried by haemoglobin to cells where it combines with chemicals to produce energy and some free radicals. This means big trouble because oxygen is an oxidant. Free radicals are oxidants. And we don’t like oxidants. They are accused of causing everything from cancer to aging to toxin build-up. So we eat buckets of anti-oxidants like blueberries to get rid of them. Of course, we could just give up breathing, but that trend hasn’t taken off.

Combustion: Oxygen combines with fossil fuels during combustion to form oxides such as carbon dioxide. Carbon dioxide is a greenhouse gas. Greenhouse gases are causing global warming. These gases come from many sources, but everyone just blames 4WDs. Methane is also a greenhouse gas. It is produced in the digestive system of cows, sheep, goats and humans along with other odorous gases. (Maybe this is what dolphins have been trying to tell us.)

Summary: So you can see DIY Science is a comprehensive subject. It is so much better than that old Science where students had to fiddle with experiments and verify facts. We use a clairvoyant to tell us the students’ test marks and save them the inconvenience of having to study or sit exams. Now I’ll hand you over to the maths teacher, who will explain the exciting New Age Maths program involving equilateral, isosceles and Bermuda triangles. Thank You.