Before Marilyn Monroe, before the Campbell’s soup cans, Andy Warhol produced BABOON!!!!! The article below about Hipster Baboons was published in the Herald Sun(Vic) and The Advertiser (SA) in 2003.

It’s not easy being a baboon. Life is pretty tough out there on the African Savanna. But not in the way you might think. Professor Sapolsky and colleagues from Stanford University, California have studied stress in baboons in Kenya’s Serengeti game reserve. They did this by taking blood samples of the baboons and testing for stress hormones. And the results are very disturbing.

Now you must keep in mind that the baboons in Kenya’s Serengeti game reserve are hip baboons. They have adopted a particularly modern lifestyle. They don’t have to forage for food. It’s there for the taking. They are seldom threatened by disease or predators. So they have time on their hands to think about more important issues in life such as relationships, sexual politics, strutting their stuff and letting it all hang out around the waterhole. 

And they are stressed. Very stressed. First there’s the troop pecking order to worry about. They all wanna be the hippest baboon babes and top macho apes. Then there’s off-road rage. ‘You cut me off on the way to the waterhole!’. That sort of thing. Domestic violence. Excrement throwing is on the increase. Incest. Well, not incest. They’re not too worried about that. But these modern baboons are showing all the physical signs of modern stress. They have stomach ulcers, high blood pressure and unhealthy cholesterol levels. All that is missing are the mobile phones.

And I want to say to the baboons of the Serengeti, we humans will be there for you. We know everything there is to know about stress. We can give you advice. And here it is.

Exercise more. Try jogging. You may feel silly running around in circles without a leopard chasing you. But don’t. We humans do it all the time. And we do quite well on IQ tests so we’re not silly though I’m not sure about joggers.

Eat low-fat Savanna Grass. It will taste like that stuff you throw at each other in rage. But, a lot of humans eat food like this all the time.

Take up a leisure activity.  Try golf. After you hit a little rock into 18 holes with a stick, you can spend the rest of the day at the waterhole discussing how to hit a little rock into a hole with a stick. That’s what humans do.

Try a New Age Guru. You can go to a lecture and locate your inner ape. A bit of chest-beating, mooning, and teeth gnashing with the boys in the jungle may be just what you need.

Read Cleo. If you are having trouble with your sex life. Read Cleo magazine. You’ll find out ‘How to get the best orgasm of your life’, ‘How to win him back from her’ and ‘How to get great thighs for Summer’ possibly all in one edition.

Change your lifestyleIf. you have been If hollerin’ and a hootin’ around the waterhole at night and generally partying too hard change your lifestyle. Take up meditation. Put on a relaxation tape and reflect on the meaning of life by listening to dolphins calling. Why dolphins? I don’t know. Humans think dolphins know something. 

Hungover Issues. If you have been hitting the fermented Acacia pods every night, it’s time to stop. Join AA (Apes Anonymous) they’ll give you a 12-step program. Just take 12 steps away from that tree.

Become a SNAB – a Sensitive New Age Baboon. In fact, Professor Sapolsky and colleagues found that male baboons who spent the most time grooming or being groomed by females not in heat and playing with baby baboons had the lowest stress levels. 

See. You’ve got to spend more time with the family. Be sensitive. Adopt a you-scratch-my-back-and-I’ll-scratch-yours attitude. And life will be good once again on the savanna.