I’ve updated an article I wrote for The Canberra Times in 2012. The argument was that we had to embrace Asia. Back then, I said we’d have to forego ‘Donald Trump’ too. OMG! What did I see in my CRYSTAL BALL? Now, America no longer loves us. So we have to say:
Goodbye, Uncle Sam!
We, Aussies, must address a fundamental truth in 2026. It can be our joint New Year’s resolution. It will be hard. It will take discipline and courage, but it is time to give up America. Say ‘Goodbye to Uncle Sam.’
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We’ll have to turn off the Idiot Box – Most of the idiots we’ve been watching have been American – and say Farewell to:
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That channel streaming Two and a Half Idiots, I mean, Men 24/7.
The West Wing. The East Wing’s gone.
Porky Pig
The Kardashians
All NCIS franchises
The Fat Cops in Cars reality TV shows
And those really old actors pretending to be, like, cool teenagers in High School TV dramas
The Abisizer Exerciser
Every crazy kitchen gadget on the Ad Channel that saves time, except for the 3 weeks needed to clean it.
And, Hawaiian Barbecue Chicken Pizza
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We have to say Tat Tah to:
Tay Tay
Lady Gaga and her BBQ couture Dress. Her pork chop clown-gown.
Bruce Springsteen. I’m sorry to see The Boss go but – Bloody Hell! – he had us all singing ‘Born in the USA’.
And cease and desist from singing or even humming a song with a US town name, including:
New York. New York
Do You Know The Way To San Jose?
Or, any song about Georgia. They’re too depressing.
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We will have to go ‘cold turkey’ and forego:
All sneakers, especially the ones that look like fluoro-pink lace-up alien parasites.
And baseball caps. What is the point of wearing a peak cap backwards, anyway?
Wu Tang and P Diddy duds
Victoria’s- poorly kept – Secret
Billionaire tech Wankers
Hedge fund #$%## ( Add your own expletive.)
and Elon (Not a big ask, there.)
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We’ll have to cut out:
Bubble Gum
Upsize super cholesterol-overdose blubber burgers
Mega-buckets of limp fries
And all their killer Combos.
Colossus cups of Pepsi and Coke, but not all at once. If you are a real soda pop addict, you might want to step this one down. Try 5 litres on day 1, then 4 day 2, and so on. Or go to the chemist and get a Cola patch to stop you twitching.
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We’ll have to throw out all those self-help books like:
Feel the fear and do it anyway (Try, Feel the Fear and Go Back to Bed)
Awaken the giant within (Maybe try, Awaken the Whinging Dwarf Within)
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We must give up conspiracy theories involving:
UFOs
JFK
Elvis
The Moon landing Hoax. Of course, they played golf on the moon.
Keep Epstein, perhaps.
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We must give up taking:
Prozac
Valium (If you stop following US politics, you may not feel so depressed or anxious)
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We, Aussies, must turn our backs on:
Wall Street.
Stretch Limos
Googling
Lycra (Not too much of a sacrifice there.)
Nike.
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Come on Australia. Just do it. Damn! Oh well, have a nice day.
kerrycue 