This comic piece on the Greek Crisis was published on Independent Australia. on 10th July, 2015: Grand Sale. Country for Sale. Dirt Cheap.
Grand Sale. Country for Sale. Dirt Cheap.
By Kerry Cue
Do you ever dream of becoming the dictator of a small European country, but you are too lazy to organise a military coup? Do you have a Hellinic face that looks noble in profile and would suit the newly minted coinage of a realm? Do you like Feta cheese, olives and Nana Mouskouri and have a grand passion for cats?
Then we have the perfect country for you. Greece lies in the idyllic Mediterranean just far enough from the central European banks to avoid excess rational economic thought. It will appeal to anyone who believes ‘everyone except me should pay more tax’ (a policy Australian political parties push during elections) and that the retirement age should be reduced to 14 years (This, of course, is another way to reduce youth unemployment and may be adopted by Aussie politicians in the near future, that or raising the legal school leaving age to 67).
You can own a little bit of paradise for not much more than you pay for a 2-story inner city home in Australia and Greece comes with many Heritage Listed buildings (often listing to the left, but there is scaffolding) and an ensuite with a toilet that flushes every 2nd Tuesday after the local plumber has downed 3 bottles of Retsina and turned up to unblock it.
Greece offers unparalleled panoramic views of glorious beaches, massed sun beds and jumbo-jet loads of fat, drunk UK tourists. Greek islands boast little fishing villages that are so idyllic your eyes water … Or that could be the sewerage again.
The Greeks are a law abiding people with a cousin in Melbourne, who abide by laws on a may or may not be bothered basis, but you can be guaranteed that you will not be run down by a motor scooter driven by a retired 14year old in your own lounge room. This guarantee may not apply to shopping malls or outdoor dining areas. The Greeks also have a great fondness for cement. But they are not like the Italians. There are no cement shoes. They just love cement in all its raw and unfinished glory.
The Greek people are stoic (they invented the word) and devoted to democracy (they invented that the word too). Some say their attitude to their economy is crazy. But they haven’t lost their marbles. Well, they have lost their marbles. They’re in the British Museum. (Subleasing potential there!) Others say, when it comes to their economy, the Greeks are in Cloud Cuckooland (Another word they invented with full credit for this economic theory going to Aristophanes.) Cloud Cuckooland is, however, a very popular economic theory at the moment, but it’s called Quantative Easing in America.
Greece. Buy now. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to rule a realm, own an Acropolis and stage your very own Olympic Games for all the family. Hurry while stocks last. And for no extra cost you get an ancient home amphitheatre with dry stone walls, an as-new roofless Olympic size swimming pool and a holiday island for lesbians.
photo source: Elgin Marbles unsourced.
I am in Greece at the moment on the island of Patmos. I am supposed to be moving onto London. Perhaps I won’t, I could put in a bid instead. Last week at the Acropolis you couldn’t see it for hoards of people who had paid big money to come ashore from cruise ships to look at a pile of columns and rocks held up by scaffolding. They were all ooing and ahing and obviously liked the place. They could be put to work, there was bound to be a plumber or two amongst them. There might even have been a few economists and people of other useful occupations who could help rebuild the country, there is plenty of spare rock and white paint about. The Greeks could then go on holiday permanently, perhaps visit the rellies in Melbourne and forget their worries about paying taxes and working past the age of 55. I would make a very benign dictator and I like cats. The fat Poms and Americans could be given physical jobs to slim down. My Classical Greek features could be a worry, but plastic surgery is very good these days (there could be one from a cruise ship), but my name is Helen Irene so that’s a plus.
Cheers from Her Excellency
Sent from my iPad
Hello Helen, ah, Your Exulted Excellency, I can see that you would make an ideal benevolent dictator. Your name is sufficiently Hellenic and you obviously have a sense of humour. In other words, your qualifications are perfect. Cheers and thanks for your fun comment KC